Sometimes it is best to grab the bull by its horns, bite the bullet, swallow the bitter pill and put an ending to a chapter…I am never afraid of endings because, many times, a beautiful beginning starts there. If you are reading this, that means I already move on.
I knew you would show up on New Year’s Day…it was never a question but, rather, a certainty in my heart. I sincerely wished, during those weeks of quiet, that you have forgotten me because it is easier to accept that …yet, my soul is aware that it is the other way around. Call it connection…call it intuition…whatever…I just knew.
Did you ever care for me? I am neither blind nor a donkey. Who would waste his/her time writing someone a long letter on New Year’s Day if he/she does not give a heck? I knew that all along. However, I let my mind rationalize things because I cannot survive without using my head; or so I always think. I am acutely guilty of Sham Tabriz’s Rule Number 4:
Intellect and love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing; but love dissolves all tangles and risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advices: “Beware, too much ecstasy.” Whereas love says: “Oh, never mind! Take the plunge!” Intellect does not break down, whereas love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures.
Whatever it is, it is not meant in this lifetime. You love your secluded world and the inner peace it gives you; and yet, you go out of your way to seek something that cause ripples in the river. I adore my fortress and always been proud that I can keep people out; and yet, for some reason, it crumbles before you without much effort.
Funny, really…ironic, even. We both know what we want, I am certain of that. Just the same, isn’t freedom sweeter than anything else? Anything lesser than that would not do. It is a priceless thing that we would choose even if it means solitude. “Crossroads” is a poem I wrote for you…because even that long time ago, I knew, we would both go for independence.
It pains me, beyond my imagination of how pain should be, to close the chapter of my book about you. Still, this is the road I want to take. I sense you feel the same way too. You will always be in my heart and no one will ever occupy that space of yours. Nonetheless, it is best to live our lives in separate ways. Carry my letters and voice as you move along through your self-discovering caves; I shall carry your letters and song while I journey in mine.
You and Nish will remain in my prayers…I earnestly wish that the Universe will give her a long lease in life so that she will have the opportunity to share her gifts. Let me know when she gets well. But, in the meantime, let us maintain quiet and distance for our own inner peace and for the sake of our souls.
Never mistake that I regret ever meeting you. You were a beautiful thing that happened in my life. You healed my old wounds and took me back to writing. I would not exist now in Niume had it not been for you. Because of that, I will always hold you in fond memory and endless gratitude. Yet, many things of beauty never last. Such is our story.
Kabhi alvida naa kehna…never say goodbye. I am not saying goodbye. I only say till next lifetime. I hope, by then, we will be both strong enough to see and accept things as they are. This is not just the time for that.
Om mani padme hum…I wish you well…I wish you a good life.
By Marisse Lee