The Tools of Change Chapter 3.3
Syl: – I will start with personal relationships, as that is simpler.
V: – But I’ll find my own reasons for Unrelenting Positivity. As you know, I disagree that it’s all for a reason
I am interested in what you’re saying about how to remain uninfluenced
Syl: – You misunderstand the “it’s all for a reason” 🙂 🙂
Let me elaborate. To say it’s all for a reason as most people do, to me, makes little sense.
V: – I don’t want to debate that part with you and lose focus!
This issue is vital.
Syl: – That’s kinda obvious in a way. “It’s all for a GOOD reason,” is more the Perspective.
V: – Ok, let’s assume I go along with that. In order to follow what you’re saying
I’m sharing this convo with my friend, X. Cos I know you don’t mind the sharing. She is highly empathic, spiritual, wise and kind. She’s a therapist. And she has the same issue with people’s emotions as me.
And she says you’re spot on.
Syl: – This is vital to the overall issue. Without Understanding this the rest crumbles.
But saying “everything happens for a Good reason” is only part of the Perspective.
To be more accurate, and clumsier, it is: “Within everything that happens, we can find a Good reason amongst others, that is beneficial to us if we choose to do so.”
Thus…it is not necessarily that the Good reason exists independently. No, it is that we can Extract the Good reason. And/or even create it if needed.
“We can find a Good reason in anything if we want to.” – Tym Noble
This is a crucial understanding. Finding Good reasons is a Personal Choice and it is an essential choice that supports Unrelenting Positivity. And to me, it is an Ethical choice. But that is me.
No problem on the sharing. To get back to the interpersonal emotional influence….
We have so far established that it is possible to not be affected if we have and maintain an Overview Perspective, like professionals do. And this is greatly helped by a true Understanding of how things work. When we know and see that people are where they are because it has to be that way in terms of Developing Awareness. That it has to come from within, it cannot come from without, (then it’s a program,) then it allows us to see it in terms of Value.
“What is happening is always connected to what we have to learn.” – From: Understandings of the New Nobility
That is a statement that does not have to be believed. It merely has to be applied, tested, and tried out, it is self-verifying. ☺
V: – Easier said than done?
I see that, but not the practical application.
Syl: – If we tune into this Perspective, of focusing on the Understanding that what is happening is what we need for our Personal Development, then it fosters a Positive Perspective. And that goes a long way towards counteracting the influence from emotions of others. But this is just a part of it.
Yes, I am working towards the practical Application. The Practical Application, which is always as you know my pre-eminent focus, in this case needs to have that Philosophical underpinning. It is essential.
“We have to truly believe, know and Understand internally, that there is Value that can be had from anything.” – From: Perspectives of The New Nobility
Once we get to that Overview Perspective of seeing where the Value lies, that is what allows us to deal with situations, and respond and react in different ways.
V: – I agree, from a psychological standpoint, about individual awareness having to develop from within. Even though socialisation tells us to try to pressure others to change.
Syl: – Yes.
“When we get Value it is automatically Positive.” – TYM
This is the key to it all…..
And it is Value for US – We have to unhook from the Self-important perspective, as it is fundamentally an arrogant and presumptive one, of believing we can “help” others.
It is a perhaps, one we cannot know for sure. And unless specifically asked, to pre-emptively help, is to me, somewhat akin to bullying.
What we believe to be help, may not be so from the perspective of another. We can rob others of the opportunity to figure it out for themselves. To acquire self-confidence, competence and so on.
Unhooking from the “Helping” mindset is key.
The Value Perspective is Key. The Value thus has to be based on Impeccable motivations. We can’t for instance, get Value from the Self-Importance of Helping, which for many lies in looking good and smart and clever and kind and generous and helpful etc. Those are only Truly Good when they are unhooked from reward. Otherwise they are contractual, and thus bs. Unless contracts are mutually agreed upon, they are problematic and create false expectations.
So, the Value. To re-iterate a bit. The problem with emotional influence is two-fold. One is dealing with it with it when it happens, and the other is ofc Prevention….
V: – Yes
Syl: – Dealing with it as it happens is difficult, as we discussed the other day, it is because of falling into Immersion. Losing Awareness. And the practical Application for this is the Anticipation Mindset. Looking ahead, which automatically fosters Extrapolation, allows us those few moment of grace and Pause, to see what’s about to come, and then we can “Set ourselves.”
V: – I do that bullying-helping thing, without being asked, quite a lot…..
W tries to resist, like I did with my mother, by fighting.
It is arrogant.
It’s an area where I lack self-awareness.
Syl: – That self-awareness right there is most helpful.
Anticipation leads to being prepared, to adopting the Appropriate attitude, mindset, and perspective to deal with what is about to come. Think for instance of how people are able to deal with stuff when they are paid to do so. It changes everything. That motivation allows them to adopt various Ways-of-Being, even if temporary, that enable them to deal with whatever.
One can see how they “set themselves” to deal with what they otherwise could not easily deal with.
And essentially, what they have done is adopt an Overview Perspective of some kind. Be it Determination, Resolve, Adamance, Stubbornness (positive kind), Positivity, ambition, or whatever works for them. There is some shift that can happen that allows us to deal with what was formerly troublesome. If we are prepared, and have time to prepare. Even a few seconds sometimes is enough.
The Key is Focusing on the Value.
It is why, to me, whatever happens, has a Gift in it. A Gift from the Universe. A Gift of Learning. A Gift of Awareness. And that Gift, somewhere in there, is the Good Reason. ☺ ❤
When we Assume, no Insist, that things Make Sense, it changes our World. But we have to choose to do this.
When we do, we now go into those interpersonal interactions with the mindset of: “How does this Make Sense for ME?” In other words: “Where is the Value in this for Me?”
V: – Yes, like firefighters. [For the pre-setting themselves.]
Syl: – Now mostly, the Value of the actions and behaviours of others when they pressure us lies in fostering Patience, Tolerance, Understanding, Perspective Shifting, Discipline, (emotional), Attitude, and ofc, my favourite, Mood Management. And more. We also have to see that the Value often times comes from the opportunity to Practice these Ways-of-Being.
Application is about Application. And that is Practice, Repetition, Emphasis and the like, until it is no problem at all. Until it is automatic. And in the case of Patience, it resolves almost any problem. It is why:
“Patience is a SuperPower.”
V: – Ok
Syl: – Yes, like firefighters we have to go in prepared. And that is what the Anticipation Mindset allows us to do.
The Anticipation Mindset is of course Deliberate Conscious Awareness. And this is an inordinately Valuable ability to cultivate. It is Immensely Valuable in Any circumstance. One could easily say it is what life is all about. The more we can be Deliberately Consciously Aware, the more we can be Appropriate. And Appropriateness is self-obvious as a Good. The more Awareness, the greater the Context in which we can be Appropriate. And it allows for us to be Appropriate in multiple contexts.
Back to Application when it comes to Interpersonal interactions….
V: – I agree re living consciously.
Syl: – To avoid Immersion is our first challenge. Once we are sucked in, it is too late. Haha, these situations are like Black Holes. Once we cross that event-horizon, no amount of struggling seems to get us out. It is too late.
So it is all about not getting sucked in if we do encounter black-hole people or happenings. And better yet, being able to have the ability to dissipate the black hole, and even better yet, having the ability to prevent its formation in the first place.
V: – Yes! That’s what it feels like.
Agree re being pre-emptive.
Syl: – But often they take you by surprise. Then how do you stay insulated?
So, we Anticipate, we set our Perspective to Value, and we are Deliberately Conscious. And we adopt an Overview Perspective. When we are constantly looking at the Big Picture, the Grand Scheme, it is much easier to see the black holes coming. And it is also much easier to see the Value. Because the Value mostly lies in the Abstract Perspective. In Abstract qualities and lessons. Like Patience etc. And the Overview Perspective allows us to see what is needed by us, in the Grand Scheme.
Like unhooking from approval. Unhooking from dependence on the opinions of others for determining our self-worth, and so on. The Overview Perspectives allows us to unhook from those grand evils of “should” and “supposed to,” and other such foisted assumptions that inadvertently corrupt us.
Let’s look at when we see someone “in a mood.” Our Anticipation lets us see it build, our Overview Perspective allows us to see the Value in it for us, in terms of learning, and it also allows us to Understand why it is happening.
But we can still get sucked in.
Because we think we “Should.”
V: – Yes, we can….
Yes, I definitely feel that pressure. I also feel like I pick up the thoughts of others.
Syl: – We believe if we do not empathise then we aren’t good people. Or others will think we aren’t good. And this is a powerful undercurrent to our motivations. We often behave according to these “shoulds” or because of implied consequence without realising it.
V: – Do not emphasise?
Syl: – So “empathising” is something we feel we “should” do because that is what Good People do. It shows we have feelings and we aren’t unfeeling monsters.
V: – Oh, empathise.
Syl : – I do. Inordinately. It is why I developed Unrelenting Positivity and the rest of what I am still to lay out. If I had not, I would be dead now. I am not being overly dramatic. Just a fact. Feeling too much was a huge problem. And the solution is not to feel less, it is to Appropriately Manage that Gift. Feeling more goes hand in hand with Awareness. And thus to me, Mood Management is part of our Evolution.
And, Empathising Appropriately, is all about Emphasis. It is in the Emphasis that the Application lies.
Deliberate Emphasis is a huge part of all of this. It is the sophistication and complexity I alluded to earlier.
V: – Yes, I can identify.
And I know that your wisdom in this comes from having lived the truth of it.
Syl: – Yeah sorry there was a typo earlier. Emphasis was on my mind, but first had to deal with Empathising.
Ty V. Yes, this is not speculative. This is definitely based on much Application. Of necessity. ☺
V: – We have this in common. I also have the gift of empathy, to the point I feel of almost telepathy.
Syl: – Yes, it can feel that way. Need a quick break… (I will comment on your comment later)
To be continued in Chapter 3.5
By Syl Dinada
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