I was just seven years old when you and dad separated, and I grew up with my extended family because dad has to make ends meet for my brother and I. Since then, family day at school becomes boring, and it’s the worst day of my life every damn year.
Seeing my classmates enjoying with their parents as they both participating in activities, only to find out that I was the only one sitting on the bench staring at everybody who are happy on that day. Thanks to my aunt, who’s always there for me when you are not around.
I had my first heartbreak, and I didn’t know where I should run to because mom, I was looking for you every damn day but I failed to do so.
Mom, I remember when it was my high school graduation day, I was hoping to at least receive a congratulatory message from you, but then there are no messages at all and even missed call just to make me feel that I really matter in your life.
Mom, I was confused which course I should take in college, if only you were there with me, maybe I was able to choose the best choice for me because you know me really well. Mom if only you knew how I miss you every damn day….
There are moments in my life that I really wish you were there for me to celebrate and appreciate my achievements because that’s how I expect you to be as my mom before anyone else but mom you are not here… please tell me where I can find you..
There were days when I felt scared and I had to be brave and protect myself from those people would love to criticize and see me failing, because they know there will be no one to back me up in the first place.. because you are not here.
The day has come, I decided to move to another city alone, just three days after my college graduation day. I thank God for keeping me safe on those nights I come home late and for opening my heart to the people who love me that I failed to appreciate because I was busy craving for nothing but your love.
I had many heartbreaks
I failed to become the daughter that dad expect me to be
I’ve never learned to see the brighter side during my worst days
I forgot how it feels to be taken care of when I’m sick
I’ve never got the chance to learn how to boost my self-esteem because MOM WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I was craving for your affection
I was in need of your attention
I was waiting for your call every damn year
I was hoping to see you for one last time
but mom I can’t find you.
I’m getting tired looking for you everywhere; it has been 21 years, five months and 14 days since the last time we saw each other.
Mom, don’t you miss us, don’t you love us anymore, since when a mother forget her children?
As I am writing this, tears are falling and all I have is just a stick of a cigarette and a cup of coffee while listening to my favorite song ‘Buses and Trains’ by Bachelor Girl because damn, I feel every part of the lyrics and those are exactly the words I’d love to tell you when we meet again.
If I become a mom someday, I will never be you. I’ll make sure that my kids will feel the love they deserve and I will be there hundred percent.