Lion…..

and Back Again

Not yet started over

almost came full circle

The highs

Lows

What goes around

comes around

not just karma

Who knows how many

chances change

I’ve had

should’ve made

Memoryless

laps around a spectrum

suffocating my brain

light headed soft hearted

Nose clogged up

Hard to breathe

Humming along with a melody

Mumbling to a song that wasn’t me

The record was wrong

but right I was definitely spun

Woke up

Maybe sober

to a windy wet

cold morning

middle of summer in Missouri

New day same old trip

Inching my way out of the tree line

little rain

this seed

A Sun with no shadow

didn’t run

Eyes no longer dilated

It’s Oz

Color

Beautiful

No idea where I’m going

But at least I can see

This rock a hard place and me….

crazy it just hits you.

Your heart’s beating so f****** fast 

Trying, taking it slow 

getting up still dizzy 

wobbly like a top on its last few spins. 

Is it me or everything around 

Falling to the ground 

I’m stationary but vertigo 

Free falling over almost dead. 

Freaking out let me go. 

Enclosed losing my grip 

It won’t let go. 

You’re closing in 

trying to talk to me 

I hear nothing. 

You cry out of frustration. 

I’m sitting here pissed off 

Every emotion at once. 

I can’t control what I do. 

It’s blacking out without the black. 

Sleep walking more like a puppeteer 

These strings my fuses I explode 

Appreciate the help. 

Stop it. 

Makes it worse. 

I don’t want to hurt you I don’t know how to stop it. 

Feeling myself screaming. 

going bonkers. 

Three sheets to the wind. 

My knots are tight. 

Fuck that ship. 

I got no patience. 

Let somebody else wait. 

No drugs, no legs, 

come hell or high water 

I’m dipping, tripping, 

Lt Danning rolling the f*** out. 

You don’t have to be close. 

I’m heading to Walmart 

I pull in and pull out 

no kids no need for plan b. 

I bust right there 

making a scene in front of the crowd. 

Sorry folks… 

Will Power has left the building…. 

Bullshit! 

That bitch never went in. 

amber alert! 

Just lost another piece of myself and your data. 

I know right.?! 

Balling my eyes out. 

At the buzzer 

but the wrong end of the court. 

I wish I could pinpoint when it started but I can’t. 

I don’t know how or when 

What it felt like. 

A doctor?…. 

How? 

Somebody to talk to… 

How can I talk to him when its locking the doors on my ten speed before i can get out. 

It makes no sense 

I get referred to a doctor to talk. 

umm it’s anxiety… 

Not going there 

Should I get drunk today

Some brain decorating

Get f****** pilled out

so only truth is heard

When I start to shout

I doubt that’ll work. 

Watching from the inside. 

Squinting from a cell behind my eyes. 

Controls me. 

I have a few good days here and there 

most of the time it’s ruining me. 

Their thinking I’m nuts 

He don’t know what the f*** he’s doing 

Ive been good at everything I’ve ever done 

Every job promoted 

I push myself so f****** hard. 

I can’t do anything 

shaking 

Frustrated 

Seems like I’m taking it out on you but I’m not. 

I’m harder on myself than anybody could ever be. 

To the point I’m damn near crying 

Sitting at work with a gun in my mouth. 

Trying. 

I can’t even do that though. 

No worse feeling 

Living a life that has already died 

I’m a slave to my anxiety 

no longer have the courage to ask why 

Goodnight sunlight….

I’m exhausted with life

Lost all enthusiasm for it

I get nothing done..

falling behind .

I feel I’m losing touch.

Seems

the hat drops more frequently

never in the same spot

causing both my eyelids to quiver

nails digging in the skin

palms cuff my ears

trying to mute the sound

when it lands.

Withstanding as much as I can

before I black out .

Waking up

eyes sore matted shut.

The lump in my throat still there from the night before.

Never cared so little.

Never have I just stopped watching the moon fall asleep

having my coffee

telling the sun

good morning