“Where am I?”
“Why did I let this happen?”
“This went out of hand.”
On and off the lights went – like every coming of alcohol and letting go of hands. Every drink that slid down my throat rippled waves of euphoria bursting into all the possible hues my eyes could detect. But bass after bass, I find myself squinting; trying to remind myself that this escape is still reality itself, and this is nothing but an attempt to preoccupy the once-filled with warmth with the fake kind. The shivers and shedded sweat renounced as quickly as how I allowed myself to wallow in pressure to take in more shots than I could manage. I guess that’s just how it is: that in order for one in pain to feel again, the only choice is to inflict more.
“I have to get going.”
Let regret take its own course – swallow my being and spit me into a pit of shame. I may not know how and why I let myself be in this position, but I know within myself I needed time. What’s done is done and nothing could be done about it anymore, but one thing’s for sure. Keep on breathing even if fresh air won’t come fresh as expected. Time after time, the past may haunt like how smoke crashes in with the breathable air. Inhale and accept the truth, but don’t forget to exhale. Let go. I let the pain worth the while; dent my perception, scratch my soul and tear my heart over and over again. Pain is beauty, and beauty is pain. I am a pulse, a regular one. This shall pass. It will, and I will make it on my own – barefoot and all.
“I will become like that.”
“I need to sleep.”
While the sky slowly shifted to brighter shades, I expected my heart to feel the same. However, something so simple pinched my heart so bad; from something I least expected to do so. I saw my shadow grew darker and darker every minute. I shifted my gaze every now and then between it and the sky. Funny how something that meant happiness would burrow me farther back to where it all started. Madness, I say, how sadness lingers on like a disease. How everything I see keeps on pulling me back to the place I least wanted to be. Eyes closed, I slowly drift away from last night; the lights, the sky, and you. I won’t drink again.