There is something wonderful about a three day weekend. An extra day off, with pay, it just seems too good to be true. Luxurious, decadent leisure time, one less alarm clock intrusion into the sweet, restful world of dreams, a little gift from the gods of laziness, and it is yours to spend as you wish. But, it comes with a price. Reality demands a certain amount of suffering. The balance needs maintenance, one way or another dues need to be paid.
For some inexplicable reason, the 4 day weeks following a 3 day weekend last almost 6 days. Despite the development of elaborate timekeeping devices, including the Atomic Clock, and the Casio Twin Sensor (which is not just a watch, but a compass and thermometer as well) mankind has been unable to explain this unnatural phenomenon. Recently, I decided to look into this phenomenon. After hiring a crack team of time technicians we dug into the matter. A thorough search and the careful dissection of minutes, examining each second for accuracy. What they found was startling.
Time is not actually a constant. It is a variable, it takes longer for some time to go by, while other time just zooms past. Looking back that would explain a lot. But, here is the strange part, time is really a capricious, vindictive being. It has been around quite a while and occasionally gets a little mischievous just to pass the time. Further, it sometimes teams up with space (another surprisingly sentient and vengeful entity) to play some very unkind practical jokes on humanity.
That is why lunchtime can go so quickly, and there is less room in your clothes afterward. In scientific terms, this is called the space-time distortion effect. And has led to a drastic increase in diet beverage sales, as well as psychological therapy.
As a public service, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Forget the gym, all the fad diets, all the crazy health advice about heart rates and steps and cardio, kale, pomegranate, and dark chocolate, just set a shrine in your living room. A glorious temple to praise and bring glory and honor to time and space. Burn some incense, make a few rituals, shamanistic gestures, and soon you will look younger, fitter, healthier than you ever have. Hurry, you don’t have a minute to lose.