the ugly writers

Snarling cup of coffee

I like to start my day with a hot cup of coffee I pound down the coffee First thing I do every day as the dawning sun Lights up my lonesome room Yeah, but not just a simple cup of…

Snarling Cup of Coffee

I like to start my day with a hot cup of coffee

I pound down the coffee

First thing I do every day as the dawning sun

Lights up my lonesome room

Yeah, but not just a simple cup of java Joe, but a God damn snarling sarcastic smarmy cup of coffee.

I mean, – we are talking about an alcoholic, all speed ahead, always hot, always fresh, always there when I need it, angry, attitude talk to the hand Ztude, bad, bad assed, beats breaking, beatnik, bluesy, bitter, bitchy, bombs away, capitalistic, caffeinated up the ass, cinematic, communistic, Colombian grown, Costa Rican inspired, Cowabunga to the max, crazy assed, devilishly angelic, divine, divinely inspired, dyslexic, epic, extreme vetting, evil eye, expensive, erotic vision inducing, Ethiopian coffee house brewed, euphoric, freaky, freazoid, foxy, Frenched kissed, French brewed, funkified, foxy lady, graphic, GOD in my coffee, with Allah, Ganesh, Jesus, Kali, Buddha, Christians, Durga, Hindus, Mohamed, Jesus and Mo and their friend, the cosmic bar maid, Sai Babai, Shiva, Taoists, Zoroastrians, drinking my god damned coffee in Hell; growling, gnarly, happy, hard as ice, Hawaian blessed, high as a kite, hippie, hip, hipster, hip hoppy, hot as hell yet strangely sweet as heaven, jazzy, jealous, Kerouac approved, kick ass, kick my god damn ass to Tuesday, kick down the doors and take no prisoners, grown in the Vietnam highlands by exVietcong, Guatemalan grown, kiss ass, illegal in every state, imported from all over the god damn world, insane, lovely, loony, lonely, lonesome, malodorous mean old rotten, motherfucking, nasty, narcotic, never whatever, never meh, never cold, not approved by the CIA, not approved by DHS, not approved for human consumption by the FDA, not your daddy’s sissified corporate cup of coffee, NOT DECAFE coffee, not your Denny’s truck driver weak as brown water cup of fake coffee, not your establishment friendly cup of coffee, Not your FBI coffee, Not FAKE Herbal coffee substitute, but a real cup of coffee, not your farmer brothers dinner crap, not made in America for Americans, not safe for work, not your Starbucks average expensive overpriced crappy corporate chain cup of coffee, Not pretentious, Not White House approved, not State Department safe, nuclear, Not Patriotic, operatic, Peets’s coffee approved, paranoid, pornographic, psychotic, pontific, politically aware, rapping, rhyming, right here, right now in River city, rock and roll up the Yazoo, sad, sadistic, sarcastic, sassy, satanic, schizoid, shitting, silly, sexy, smarmy, smelly, smooth, snarky, snarling, stupid, stinking, sweet as honey, sweat inducing, symphonic, Trump can’t handle this coffee, vengeful, Wagnerian, wicked, with nutmeg and cinnamon swirls, with a hint of stevia, with a hint of vanilla, with a hint of rum, with a hint of whisky, with a hint of cherry, with a hint of fruit overtones, with a hint of drugs spicing up the coffee, spendific, speeding, splendid, superior accept no substitutes, survived the Vietnam war, the Iraq war, the Afghan war, the first and Second Korean war, World War 11, the war on poverty, the war on drugs, the war on black people, the sexual revolution.

Soulful as a summer’s night in MOTOWN- James Brown approved, TOP approved, Berkeley approved, the coffee that Jimmy Hendrix drank before he died, the coffee that Elvis drank on his last breakfast, the coffee that Barry White crooned as he drank his cup of coffee – and the coffee that made the white boy play stand up and play that funky music, the coffee that made Jonny B Goode play his guitar, and made Jonny bet the devil his soul after he drank his morning cup of righteous coffee and the coffee that make the Rolling Stones Rock and Roll, the coffee your mother warned you against drinking, the coffee that Napoleon drank when he became the Emperor of all Europe, the Coffee that Beethoven drank when he wrote the Ninth symphony, the coffee that Mozart drank as he wrote his last symphony, the coffee that Lincoln drank before he was killed, the Hemingway drank before he killed himself, the coffee that started the 60’s, and ended the 20th century, the coffee that Lenin drank as he plotted revolution, the coffee that Hitler and Stalin drank with FDR as they divided up the world after World War 11, the cup that JFK drank before he was blown away, the coffee Jerry drinks while driving in cars with random celebrities and political figures, the coffee that Jon Stewart drinks before he goes on an epic take down of some foolish politico, the cup of Arabic coffee that Sadaam drank the day he was executed, the coffee that GW and Cheney drank when they bombed Baghdad, the Indian cup of coffee that Bid Laden drank before 9-11 and just before the seals blew his ass to hell, the cup of coffee that Tiger Woods drank with his mistresses while playing a 3, 000 dollar round of golf at Sandy Lane golf course in Barbados, the last legal drug that does what drugs should do, the cup of coffee that Obama drank when he became President, Vietnamese, Vienna brew, wacky, whimsical,
Whisky Tango Foxtrot, wild, weird, wonderful, WOW, Yabba dabba doo! Yada Yada yada Zappa’s favorite cup of cosmic coffee, and Zorro’s last cup of coffee, Good to the last drop rolled into one simple cup of hot coffee.

As I pound down that first cup of coffee

And fire up my synaptic nerve endings with endless supplies

Of caffeine induced neuron enhancing chemicals

I face the dawning day with trepidation and mind-numbing fear

I turn on the TV and watch the smarmy newscasters in their perfect hair

Lying through their teeth about the great success the government is having

Following the great leader’s latest pronouncements

I want to scream and shoot the TV and run outside Shouting “Stop the world.

I want to get off this fucking crazy planet”

The earth does not care a whit about my attitude

It merely shrugs and moves around the Sun

Aller/ “Snarling Cup of Coffee

In its appointed daily run

And I sit down

The madness dissipating a bit

And enjoy my second cup

Of heaven and hell

In my morning cup of Joe

Ode to Coffee

Mistress of sacred love
Sacred lady of desire
You start my day
Setting my heart on fire
With your dark delicious flavor
And throughout the day
Whenever the mean old blues come by
You chase them away
With your bitter sweet ambrosial brew
Every time I inhale your witches’ brew
I am filled with power, light and love
And everything is all right Jack
If only for a few fleeting minutes
I love you oh coffee goddess
In all your magical forms
In the dark coffee of the dawning day
In the sizzling coffee in the mid-morning break
In the afternoon siesta break
And in the post dinner dessert drink
I love you my coffee mistress
You are my refuge
From this horrid world
And you are my secret lover
Never disappoint me, ever
I’ve never had a bad cup
Of that I can be sure
Even the dismal coffee
Served at Denny’s at 3 am
Is still sweet loving coffee
Even the farmer brother’s diner coffee
Excites me and gets me going
Asking for another cup of divine delight
Coffee always is there
It is always on and piping hot
With hidden dark secrets
Swirling in its liquid essence
Coffee is my last vice
My only legal vice left
Coffee does not cheat on me
It is always faithful, always true
It does not turn on its friends
And all it asks in return
Is that you come back
Cup after cup after cup
A good cup of coffee
Is a little bit of heaven
In a cup of dark liquid hell
Coffee is like a drug
But a good drug that does what is should
And never complains
It does not get grouchy
It does not hurt you
It does not make you crazy
But allows the muse to come out
And play with it
Coffee led to the American Revolution
As patriots drank coffee
To rebel against the aristocratic English tea
Coffee started the London Stock Market
And started the gossip mills running
Every great invention
Was fed by coffee’s sweet brew sweet allure
All the great thinkers
All the great leaders
All were enslaved to coffee’s magic
Yeah
I sing my praises
Of the great glorious coffee lady
Long may she continue
To be my sweet companion
Long may coffee continue
To rule my heart
And set my heart on fire
I love thee
Mistress coffee
And sometimes I think
You love me too

No More Coffee Blues

I love coffee

Always have

And coffee has loved me back

But lately I have soured on her

Soured on the whole coffee scene

On the harshness of the morning brew

And the promises it makes

As I sip of its nectar

Drawn into its lair

Drinking drop by drop

As the caffeine takes over

Rewriting my every nerve

Turning me into a slave

For its perverted pleasure

Yes, I love coffee

But I am afraid

Coffee is a harsh mistress

Demanding so much of me

Promising the sun

And delivering the Moon

As I drink her swill

Deepening under her influence

I have the coffee blues

Can’t live without her

Can’t live with her

I try

But tea does not cut it

Not really

Booze does not do it

At least not in the morning

Yoga is not enough of a buzz

Nor is the runner’s high

And I am afraid deadly afraid of cocaine

And speed and drugs and energy drinks

And so, I remain a slave to coffee

My only legal drug

As I sip another and fall under her seductive spread

Once more failing in my resolve

To skip coffee for that day

That morning that moment

I shall never be free of her spell

Ever and she knows it

As she beckons me

Every morning with her intoxicating smell

And I come to her and drink her brew

And become her slave again and again

 

Please support Jake Cosmos Aller by reading his previous works in The Ugly Writers.

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