What Ails You is an essay written and shared by Ruben Bangod to The Ugly Writers under the theme After The Storm for the month of June.
What Ails You
How to determine if someone is causing you pain? How would you manage to feel and perhaps differentiate the boundary between excessive feelings from too much care or affection to a certain person? Does it cause some signals that you feel along the way towards that person that you did not or probably never felt from anybody on your normal life? Could it be the way that that person treated you differently and make you feel something beyond what is normal which makes you think that it matters? Perception and understanding of what you believe is a true emotional manifestation to a realization of some cosmic joke, blinding you from the dreadful truth that it was only a mere assumption. Confusions that rumble your mind and decide such things without others’ confirmation and approval.
Being adamant about what others explanations could be, you will always resort to the decision which you have made when you were still intoxicated by your recent emotion.
It is a feeling of possessiveness. The idea of having that person is totally joyful and you never care about what really is reality. Keeping that person within your reach is one thing that you first establish. Keeping in touch with such a person is surely an act of courtesy that somehow leads to the introduction of malice.
What ails you? The subconscious emotion you invested. It is fearful that mostly taken for granted. Unaware of such emotion-driven from the idea that there is something which is different from others but causing you immeasurable happiness. An emotion that can be nowhere to be found unless that person is around or just showing simple care towards you. A distinctive emotion of glee that glooms your personality but turned out to be an ecstasy of fallacy ideas. Or make-believe!
What ails you? An intimidating jealousy. A disposition that you don’t have the right at all. An attitude that you forcefully hide but will always have room to show it to the world. A strong feeling of being upset or annoyed every time that person is happy and you are not the reason beyond it. An ambiance of menace and thundering hatred that keep on battling in your mind and ask yourself “why it is not me that gives that person’s happiness”. Loathed and despised. Deem of being deprived of some rights and having the benefits of some chances that would probably cause happiness to that person much more than anyone could provide. But again, having no right to show such resentment, keeping it in speechlessness is the best act of self-healing.
What ails you? A dying inside compassion. Nothing beats the feeling of having the best for the one you cared a lot. The one! Comparatively referring to someone on your mind that perfectly fitted for, perhaps, the rest of your life. An inner madness and insanity that keep a sentiment which is bursting inside but eventually release in a form of actions. Started from an ignition that sparks your long-been-idled feeling and created heat to your passive emotion. An unbearable heat that kindles a flame of burning happiness to the utmost ecstasy. And finally, a flame that brings out passion which stirs up presumptions of this crazy little thing called love.
May this be the best way to explain what ails you. Or maybe there is something else.