How many times have you loved and failed?
I mean uhmm, sorry if it’s not the right question to ask you. I know, it’s not easy to be reminded of the past you long wanted to forget. You see, I’m just someone, an imaginary friend from a distant time, who wants to listen to your silence – the silence which makes me deaf – and I hate myself because I can’t ease the pain you’re feeling. That whenever you open up your real self to someone, it always ends up sour, leaving you in a rancor state.
I just want to end up your suffering, if only I could…
And to tell you frankly, I saw you everywhere I go. That’s why I asked because I really do care for the moments you wasted on separating yourself from the crowd, licking your own wounds as if it’s the only way of living, instead of looking for affection or rather companionship which help you realize that nobody is meant to be alone.
That’s why I exist to be the one who listens when there’s no one.
But if you only think that I’m just trying to be nosy about someone’s pain, pls know I’m not.
Why do you always want to pull yourself away from a person who only wants nothing but your company?
Sometimes we don’t need to talk for us to convey that we care. But now, I want us to talk because conversation is our lost relationship. You see, it’s lost between us! It’s lost because your phones now are your best friends instead of talking to people who, just like you, have feelings. People who could relate to your experiences.
Please…let’s talk. Okay, let’s talk.
Again I will ask you, how many times you loved and failed?
There you go. Many times.
For the times you loved, when was the time you felt that through loving someone you firstly love yourself?
Answer me honestly. None, right? None because every love that you have was freely given to someone which left you nothing in the end. That’s why you’re sulking because you find no reason at all to live and that’s all because you have no love left for yourself!
Do you ever think I am happy to see you like that?
Hey, look sweetheart! I was yourself back from the time when you were not first hurt, from the time you were a child who believed in forever. I was yourself appearing in front of you right now, and talking to you because I know I am still alive deep within you. You’re suppressing me. You don’t want me to be known anymore who lives in you because you’re afraid to be hurt again and again! You’re protecting me.
Pls, sweetheart, listen.
Pls don’t protect me anymore. I am good as your past and I couldn’t be whole again just like before. Your experiences broke me into pieces that’s why I am your past. What I am asking you now is you need to love yourself, your present and no more loving me anymore. Let me stay in the past. Don’t drag me anymore with you. Don’t keep me in you. Let go of the things you can’t have.
You know, I am happy as I was your past. I could only stay there and not in the present. But what’s a blessing is…hmmm…you already know on this…errrr…I am your innocent past and you are the learned present, what else is there to fear about the future when we are 2-in-1 person? Why sulk when there’s too much to see and discover?
I am asking you not to protect me, but I am asking you to love yourself more in the present so you have an ample amount of love to give into our future!
Sweetheart, one hundred forty three. ?