This Inadequacy

When we fall in love, we do not quantify. We do not calibrate or premeasure how much of us we are going to stake at the proverbial game of love. We give it our all; we do not stop at anything. We devote our time and resources because love itself is an investment.

But in every investment we start and build, it is fair and just to expect a return. Relationships and marriages operate on a reciprocal basis. Man loves woman and woman loves man back. Same concept applies to other important aspects such as trust and respect. Compatibility is something else; it is being resolved by two parties until they meet on a mutual ground. I wish to have a deeper understanding about the technicalities and intricacies of relationships per se, but then again I only get to learn the lesson after the class is dismissed.

And so my story was a tale of a short-lived relationship.

We met in a place where lust could easily masquerade as love. You said hello and I responded. Small talk, spur of the moment sparks, and of course how could I forget we both found out having the same date of birth? Who would not call it something like serendipity or destiny, or something straight out of that David Pomeranz song commonly played in JS Promenades?

Days of talking progressed to weeks until we decided to take things to the next level. You liked me and I liked you more. Nothing was difficult; every moment made it seem like our stars have aligned on the day we met.

Our birthday fell on a Saturday. In each other’s arms I played Ben Lee’s ‘Birthday Song‘ on MP3 and let you hear it. Every line in every stanza was apt.

“Hey there I said it
I’m in love
With you

There’s an ocean between us
Just like me
Deep and blue

And I, at times have had nothing
But tonight I want nothing but you
You’re the only thing I want
The only thing I want
The only thing on my mind
All the time

Staying up ’til dawn won’t take its toll
‘Til we get old
And drinking is just the way
We keep away the cold
And you, you know what it means
To be true and searching like me

You’re the only thing I need
The only thing I need
The only thing on my mind
All the time

And you gave me a reason
To give you my soul
I’ll give you it all

You’re the only one I want
The only one I need
The only one on my mind
All the time
All the time
All the time
All the time.”

Despite work schedules and distance, we made it a point to spend time with each other on weekends. What would I give to be next to you more than just those precious Saturday nights until Sunday noon? Look for a new job and apartment close to yours? Sure, I was more than willing to do those. I just needed more resources to make them happen.

I loved you more than I could say when we were apart and even more than I could show when we were together. Admittedly, being too paranoid and territorial were always my facade because deep within me was a restless soul thirsting for a drop of your reassurance. I loved you so much that I held onto you relentlessly.

I loved you everyday with every strand and grain of my being. Devoid of reservations and conditions. Everything I have done for you in the past I was willing to surpass moving forward.

Christmas time rolled around; December air felt so cold and so were your feelings for me. You grew distant and reluctant. I noticed the sudden change but still chose to prove you even more how much I loved you, hoping you would feel it too and love me back again just like how we began.

Then you broke me apart on the first Thursday of new year. It was on that day you declared falling out of love and decided we were no longer good for each other. According to you, love was not enough and you could not stay with someone extremely opposite to you. Little did I know that adjustments of all sorts in the relationship translated torture to you.

My spirit shattered in an instant but every piece of me struggled to voice a bargain — to no avail. There was nothing else I could ever say to reverse the bad news. I was devastated. I was drowning in my own tears.

Waking up without getting your messages anymore would take a lot of getting used to, but far worse than that is the truth that you are already gone. I was left alone by you — you whom I started to build my life around and still willing to continue. You, whom I would like to spend more Earth years with, through misery and joy.

You are now gone. Gone and never coming back. No more joint celebration of our birthdays. No more affection and attention coming exclusively from you.

It is time to accept the truth. We failed.

It is time to walk our new respective paths away from one another. I learned my lesson and you learned yours. Nonetheless there was once ‘me’ who risked it all for you. I loved you but it was never good enough. It was pure and unquantified, but inadequate for you.

It is time to move on.

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ramengonecold
"You left me standing still, hence I have gone cold upon your return." ramengonecold is the proud lucky thirteenth member of The Ugly Writers, struggling to write about love and anything that can get everyone high. Will pen any situation and state of mind as they occur. Blunt and straightforward but benevolent nonetheless. INTJ. Leonine. Turophile. Sapporo-style ramen fan. An Oxford comma user with no regrets.
Articles: 12

4 Comments

  1. “Nonetheless there was once ‘me’ who risked it all for you. I loved you but it was never good enough. It was pure and unquantified, but inadequate for you.”
    “You are now gone. Gone and never coming back.”

    This broke my heart into pieces.

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