Purgatory

Purgatory By Brittany V. Dresevic

I have no idea how to give advice about love. Everyone who knows anything about me finds that the pieces I share are filled with witty humor or a sarcastic trade in exchange for other words. So, naturally, I don’t speak about how “I get it” when people talk about loving or when people talk about being in love. I have done the torturous thing to myself where I have buried my deepest feelings so far I’ve forgotten where I’ve placed them. I spent so much time in a deep nostalgic place for the girl I once loved that its hard for me to admit that I still love her.

If you’ve read ‘The Great Gatsby’ you’re familiar with the story that is a primary read concerning the young and mysterious Jay Gatsby. Certainly, you’ve let F. Fitzgerald’s words resonate deeply in your head and captivate your soul. Fitzgerald’s genius struck me as soon as I read, “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice” And you can lie to me as much as you please, but from a book that was a meaningless high school project once upon a time, it told the truth and the truth lingered enough to have our bones chill at the thought that we may never experience love like we once had. Of course, we fill the rest of the gaps with the optimistic thought of the idea of “No, the next love will be even better..” but how much of that can we really believe when the one we think of every day has now become a memory of the one that got away.

I want to apologize in advance for treating her like she’s my soulmate, but from what I’ve inquired about love and about myself, what I’ve discovered through the intimacy of connection, I know that she will always have a part of me that no one else will ever have.
Even the thought of her is so addicting to me, It’s like I talk to her and I forget that the rest of the world extends beyond the two of us. I am so caught in this memory of the way her voice sounded and all I want is to continue listening so I can inhale every word she says. It’s like I’m making up things to do and calling it a life while I miss her.

I’m not sure how I can continue living like this because I know if I love her I should let her go, but it’s so much more than that. It’s real and because of that I know I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life wondering what her day is like. And if I could be anything I’d be the sun and I’d touch her from every angle, but I’m sure I’d still feel just as far away.
My mind is an ocean and she keeps swimming there, a never-ending stream of crazy for you. My love for her comes in waves and from the day I placed my lips to hers I’ve been drowning.

Each time we touched and each time we kissed I could taste pieces of my heart and damn she smells good, like home. If you’ve had a love you know how it challenges you, you are completely aware of yourself and your partner at any given moment and you are swallowed by the thought of forever when they look at you. She’s everything I want to spend the rest of my life doing.
Most days it feels like I have nothing left, but to love her and I keep going because I have to, but I wish I could fast-forward time to see if it’s all worth it; to know if she ends up in my arms and wrapped around my finger as I’m so desperately wrapped around hers.
Perhaps I’m screwing things up the only way I know how, and that’s by being brutally truthful and as long as I’m stuck on this idea I have to wonder.. I’m never getting over her, am I..?

 

By Brittany V. Dresevic

Pure Poison

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