“When it comes to trust and mistrust – it is most useful to be able to apply both at the same time…and neither. Then it is we start to develop Discernment.” – From: Perspectives by The New Nobility
Syl: – I would like to ask you if you think Y (Your partner) has Respect for you? Or Respects you?
Then obviously, do you have Respect for Y, or do you Respect them?
There is More to this…
In relationships, we can disagree, and it need not be a problem at all.
I could disagree with another’s taste in music and cannot stand to listen to it, but as long as they listen to it in a way I can’t hear, or it’s not intrusive, then no problem. However, if they insist on being unreasonably inconsiderate in playing their music in a way that impacts me, then I lose Respect.
It is now not the music that is the problem, but the lack of consideration. Different issue.
Irritation and annoyance in relationships can be dealt with via negotiation and compromise. This is simply a matter of honesty and reasonableness. And ofc Communication.
However, when Respect is compromised, how is that restored?
With extreme difficulty!
T: – Yes, he Respects me, but doesn’t Respect himself, is my assessment. So he is willing to do things that Disrespect himself, even though it drags me into it.
Syl: – Yes exactly, so…
We have to be careful here. We have to be clear how we are looking at Respect and what it is we Respect.
This is critical. To an ego based psychology, Respect is completely and utterly related to Status of some kind. Doesn’t matter how it is acquired.
However, in relationships especially, Respect is connected to Integrity, as is Appropriate when it comes to Respect. That is really the only place it matters. It is this connection that needs to be made clear.
One party, in a relationship, especially if they internally perceive themselves without Respect, and the other with Respect, may take measures that are inappropriate to redress this imbalance. They then further aggravate the Respect Imbalance and feel at some point it’s all hopeless.
T: – To redress this imbalance … ?
Syl: – The Respect imbalance.
T: – What do you mean by redress?
Syl: – Fix or attempt to fix To rectify really.
However, when Respect is clarified, when what leads to Respect, and the connection of Respect and Integrity is made, then much is clarified…
When it is spelled out that the Integrity, when it comes to the tiniest of mundanities, is what matters, this makes a difference. It is here that Love flourishes. Then relationships have a solid foundation on which to prosper…
T: – Yes. Sometimes, he will slip into this ‘you’re too good for me’ thing. It’s all bs ofc, yet that part of himself that doesn’t want to ‘face up ‘ … then just falls into that hangs his head, resigns to ‘losing me’ etc. Rather than simply ‘facing up.’
Syl: – Yes exactly. The attempts to correct this imbalance, (to redress) are exactly what leads to the imbalances.
And I am getting to the remedy…
If Integrity doesn’t matter and is not important, then a relationship is hard to sustain.
T: – Bill Withers “Lean on me”
T: – <3
Syl: – It’s an important issue. I mention this because all of the stresses you have mentioned over time with Y always had lack of Respect at the root.
T: – This Integrity thing is the key, you are correct. In any relationship, with self or others.
It’s what I often react to as “taking the easy way.”
Which in the end is ofc, much more difficult lol.
Syl: – I do also feel as though Y equates “Success” with Respect – more than is Appropriate. And that Personal Integrity in the small things, is not equated with Respect. There cannot be a difference. But I fear that for him there is. And ofc, it gets him into trouble.
You are at a place where this stuff now can be addressed. And changes can be made and decisions made if there aren’t the appropriate changes. Yes?
T: – Yes.
F: – Address what stuff?
Syl: – Things like his squirrelliness sometimes. The lack of Integrity that involves, and ofc the loss of Respect.
The ___ and things like being prepared to ___. Fill in your own blanks. You both know what they are. That is massive lack of Integrity. It is massively inconsiderate, again, Loss of Respect is at the bottom of it.
T: – It’s interesting, all this, on the timing etc. … what you say here … It’s not a question of loving him, or him loving me … it’s a matter of imbalance, yes, and a willingness to address that, a desire to address that, a desire to face up. I call it “growing up,” as basically, that is what it is in the sense intended, – that he would allow his anxiety self to run the roost so to speak.
Syl: – But I don’t believe Y sees this connection. I do feel that if he is made aware of this connection in a non-preachy way, like in a way that leads to “Ah-Ha,” then it will be massive for him. He often seems to not have a clue as to what to do. I feel it is because of this lack of understanding of what generates Respect with You.
T: – It has such control. It can’t be about ‘me.’ He has to do it for Self.
Syl: – That last is the Crux. His Perception of what leads to Respect needs to change.
T: – Otherwise, I am just another person he is giving his Respect up for.
Syl: – Yes. It is HIS understanding and Definition of how exactly to get your Respect, and his own, that is flawed. It is inappropriately connected. And inappropriately disconnected from Integrity!!!
T: – Yes, that was well put. And same for me, or anyone with Respect / Integrity issues.
I have myself, been pulled the other way in our relationship, since we have been together, pulled toward a lack of Integrity ~ for him.
I have allowed that to happen, even being aware of it while it was happening, and still doing it out of a fear of losing him, back when I was more vulnerable that way.
Syl: – Yes, That is a significant problem. Because YOUR moving away from Integrity and crossing the line, even if it is ever so slightly, results in a kind of Justification of His lack of Integrity!
T: – I can’t afford to do it anymore. This is a great discussion, for me. As when there is not a disconnect with Respect / Integrity than that rest will fall where it will fall appropriately … that does need to come from within me unwaveringly, unemotionally, unjudgmentally … as a matter of what is.
Syl: – Yes. There is more. Getting there 🙂 😀
T: – Yeah. And, I know he knows it. That Aspect of Self for him is so in control. It fogs his ability to see his Best self. He is just so used to being the ‘Integrity slacker’ …
Syl: – Perhaps to Resolve this, explain the underlying understandings to him. Like you can lay out how important Respect-Worthy Actions are. What exactly those Respect-Worthy Actions are. For instance, consideration of the standards and boundaries of the other. Behaving ethically and so on. Then give examples of Mundane Actions that represent this.
It is the WHY, of why it costs him Respect, that matters.
F: – Because?
Syl: – Because it is inconsiderate, unethical, foolish, risky and threatens others, so unethical.
I do believe he thinks in your eyes you will Respect him if he is “Successful.” Especially as he defines it. Which also entails being a “Good Guy” according to his particular definition. It is not bad, simply a case of Inappropriate-Application-of-Goodness.
T: – The Application is Huge. Because this is where I am at. I think, hope, suspect, I may be ready personally, to Adapt to Respect/Integrity … and part of that is standing ground when it is violated.
With him, around his parents for example … who do have strong ethics … I see that they see his lack of it at times and I can almost hear their inner dialogue around, ‘we didn’t bring you up that way’ …
Syl: – Yes exactly. It is YOU that the issue is about, as much as him. It is the Way of it with the U. Typically there is a gross example in order to reveal the subtle.
It is very very important. It is the Context and the Implications, and thus there are lots of “because” attached. Right?
F: – Yes.
T: – Yes.
Syl: – He has to see that it is Integrity that is the critical issue. And that Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.
Why is this so important?
Because it means you can Trust. Truly Trust someone. It is this Solidity of Trust which builds a solid relationship. When there is Trust, there is Respect.
F: – Aha – I like that
More Trust will be good.
Syl: – Yes. Trust and Respect are the real marriage partners. 🙂
They go together.
F: – Cool, yes.
T: – Yes, crap. Honestly, I saw this aspect in him way before we got married. I often run those instances through my inner computer also … like those things still linger and are “up” for revisiting, lol … so interesting.
Things that mattered to me … that I felt were ‘ wrong ‘ … yet I went along with …
It doesn’t matter that anyone else might not see those things as Integrity, ethical issues. I did, they went against my inner ethic compass, yet I did them anyway, because he either insisted, or to not have an argument etc.
Syl: – YES!!! This is the Way-of-It also. We see, but we ignore. But it is also the U, and it turns out to be Awesome.
T: – So I indeed was taking the ‘easy path.’
Exactly what I say about him … which is ofc the Way-of-It.
Syl: – Yes. And for that, despite the Awesome Lessons involved, we have to Accept Full Responsibility – For the price of those Lessons!
Lack of Trust leads to Uncertainty. Uncertainty leads to Worry. Worry leads to Stress. Stress leads to Blame. Blame leads to Criticism. Criticism leads to more Stress. And on and on it goes. All leading to Misery.
And ofc, lack of relationship.
F: – Spot on!
Syl: – It all hinges on Respect and Trust. Those two are the critical ingredients. When Trust and Respect are present, then much else has to also be in place. Such as the Essential Element of Integrity.
It is Integrity that makes us fully human.
T: – Yes.
The things we do.
Syl: – Yes. But….
“If we Choose to Insist that it all Makes Sense, that is when we get to see the Perfection Of It All.” – Biella Noble
F: – Excellent!
Syl: Love can happen without Respect and Integrity, but it sure makes it very difficult to maintain.
F: – So true.
Syl: – These relationships between Love, Integrity, Respect and Trust are excellent Perspectives to investigate, explore, and frame in your non-relationship conversations. Use those as a forum of expression and for practising communication and expression of these concepts and their interrelationships.
T: – A life lived with a lack of Integrity…
Syl: – …Is no life at all.
T: – There was a financial lack of Integrity. Not planning for the future, etc, and now in mid-50s, not wanting to work anymore, but also not Accepting and Owning up to this having been a Personal Choice through the lack of planning. A sense of entitlement to what he ‘feels’ he deserves … but did not create for himself.
Syl: – …
T: – So retirement … he hopes, he dreams, it’s his Plan to stop working but maintaining the sense of Lifestyle that HE seems to need … the house by the sea, not working … nothing wrong with those things … and they are within our ability to grasp … but … it’s the sense of entitlement. That “poor me” I am sooo tired, and the crying away about it all, whining and hanging his head low, being willing to pull me in to that day after day after day …
…so that HE can ‘release’ it and not ‘hold it in’ … but it’s a never ending river … there is no true release with this behaviour as there is no resolution. The resolution IS Respect / Integrity.
Syl: – Yes. The underlying Associations stay in place. Or Mis-Associations. The cock-eyed connections need to be addressed.
Yes. Respect-Integrity is at the heart of it. Just to take it all the way…
T: – Eric Burdon video has set off some awesome music for me!
For both of Us.
For Me. Then, the chips will fall where they fall from there, Appropriately.
Syl: – “The world talks to us in all sorts of ways. We but have to listen in all sorts of ways.” – TYM
Respect and Integrity are connected to Trust. If Respect and Integrity are compromised then so too is Trust compromised.
If Trust is compromised, then Security and Risk are compromised. This leads to a perpetual feeling of being UnSafe. It is this which lies at the Root of it all. If this connection from Integrity and Respect is connected all the way to the Understanding that when there is a transgression of Integrity, then it leads to feeling UnSafe.
And ofc it leads to holding the one acting without Integrity Responsible. Because, to a large extent, they ARE Responsible. If the person acting without Integrity can see this connection, be made to clearly see how it is that when they cross the line of Integrity in those little little things, then they can make the connections. They can then see how those tiny transgressions of integrity lead to their partner feeling unsafe. And thus stressed.
Those tiny actions Matter. They matter because when it comes to Integrity there is no small or large. If one can behave without Integrity in the Small things, then it is actually even more likely that the person will do so when there is More involved.
Integrity is an Absolute. There can be Zero Compromise when it comes to Integrity. It is the essential characteristic of being a Real-Person.
T: – Oh that’s good … <3
Syl: – <3 <3 <3
T: – Perpetual feeling of being…
this which lies…
Stairway to Heaven <3
Syl: – What is particularly Pertinent here, since we are in this instance dealing with guys, is that if they can get to see this connection to Safety, and how it is that their actions are making “Their Woman” feel UnSafe because of them Acting without Integrity in the little things, then it is powerful Leverage for Them!!!
Because, at Root, they ARE Good Guys and want to be Good Guys, they just do not know how exactly!!!
T: – Unfortunately, I am seen as the strong one, not the weak one. It’s kind of reversed a bit here … except financially.
But yes, I see your point.
Syl: – Yes. it is ever the problem in male-female relationships. In my experience, the women are typically the silently strong ones. Yet on the surface and financially, it is the man.
Men are pushed into “Being-Strong” without actually Learning what that really means. This is exactly what leads to the various ways of Inappropriate-Application-of-Goodness.
T: – Queen Bohemian Rhapsody. <3
Syl: – The Remedy is re-education by simply laying out the connections. The underlying WHY of it all. When that WHY is connected all the way back to Safety, this they can understand!!!
T: – Bringing everything back to Respect / Integrity … using those words … pointing to what is missing … why it is or isn’t.
It’s Personal Safety … yes … so key …
Syl: – Men understand the pressures of Safety very very well. And they can, in this, Relate with women very very well. They Can Understand how this is likely to be an even bigger deal for women than it is for them. It is powerful Leverage for behaviour Change. Without that powerful Motivation, it seldom happens. Safety is one such Motivator.
T: – Last night, I told him I feared that the repeated pattern, the anxiety-riddled mornings before he leaves the house, the incessant baby whining about how hard Life is ~ may never stop. That I was deeply concerned, that he wasn’t willing to look at that and that this is ‘our life’ …
As soon as I said that, his demeanour changed to full recognition (and unfortunately, resignation) … that he knew I was right … he knew it … and then he said …
“no, you won’t have to live with it. you don’t deserve that. you should leave me,” – etc. etc. poor baby crap.
Unless … he actually wants to leave me.
Syl: – No. He would be utterly lost.
But, you perspective is a Sensible Consideration in the circumstances.
T: – To leave me?
Or have another affair, and force it to find someone else … he can’t be alone, that is true.
Syl: – Your logic is impeccable to consider him trying to perhaps engineer you leaving. But I fully believe that he would be utterly lost without you and he is fully Aware of that also. If you pushed hard he will be on his knees begging you to stay.
Seen it before.
People can be foolish in extraordinary ways.
T: – Yes. The lack of honesty with me. It’s so hard, when I discover instances of it. It’s devastating.
I mean, not totally devastating … but to the Trust.
It’s more Sad.
It makes me Sad.
Syl: – Yes. So to me, the remedy lies in ofc attempting to Share that Awareness of those connections between Integrity, Respect, Trust and Safety.
Then, the next remedy is for YOU. To: Trust-Without-Trusting.
T: – Pink Floyd Comfortably Numb.
YOU are literally a God Send. <3
Syl: – Lol, in a way it is the Positive affirmative version of being Comfortably Numb. The Super Sophisticated Version.
<3 <3 It is through Trusting-Without-Trusting that one can overcome the Sadness.
Haha, you mean a U-Send. U sent me to You. And You are U. !!!
T: – ?
Syl: – Ok, Imagine pushing me around with your finger…
I walk backwards you supposedly “push.” But who is it that determines where we are going?
Do you see what I mean…. Perception and Reality.
T: – You mean, because you are not standing your ground?
Don’t know what you mean.
Syl: – Who really leads and who thinks they are doing the “pushing around’ or the leading?
If you literally try to “push me around” with your finger and I am walking backwards. then I am actually the one that determines where WE go. I am actually in the Lead even though I am walking backwards. I can make you follow me.
T: – Ah ok … Leading-Without-Leading.
Syl: – But you might Believe that you are pushing me around. Perception often overrides reality.
But in this case, it is adding the element of allowing the other to believe that it is them leading, even though both actually do know what is what. But it is unspoken.
Some people (guys) have to have that Feeling of being in charge. But they don’t want the Actual Responsibility. So, once this Art of Leading-By-Walking-Backwards is employed, a very effective team can result.
It is the perception and the actual reality that have to be balanced.
T: – That would require some major revamp on my part, also … you know … with the way that I currently “lead” … I make him feel pretty darn small and unworthy.
Syl: – So You lead in reality, he leads in perception. Or appearance.
Yes. Some Capital D Diplomacy is required!!!!
T: – Without wanting to.
Syl: – Yes. And you hate it.
This is a way to Resolve Both issues. That of not making him feel small AND taking the lead or Being-in-Charge.
T: – Pink Floyd ~ Lost for Words.
Syl: – 🙂 <3 Love the U.
Let’s let that Stew and percolate for a little bit. Need some food. And you need to recharge a bit also I suspect. Yes?
Then we come back fresh and get into Leading-By-Walking-Backwards and Diplomacy. OK? <3 🙂 <3
T: – Yes next time … thank you so much!
Syl: – Later 🙂 😀 <3 🙂 Just say when 🙂 😀 <3
By Syl Dinada
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