The Tools of Change Chapter 3.2
V: – I think people can find Unrelenting Positivity irritating.
Syl: – No, they find false cheerfulness irritating.
The two are not associated.
Or any falseness.
V: – My friend, Z, also feels sorry for herself a lot. I try to look on the bright side in response.
Okay, I see.
Syl: – And also, Positivity is not about foisting a Perspective. It has to be self-contained. As in: “I am Positive no matter what you do. Your State-of-Being is not connected to mine. They are both personal choices. Either way is fine. It’s all about choice. I personally choose Positivity and your choice does not affect me.” ☺ ?
It is being Emotionally Independent of another. That is the trick. People only find other’s attitudes irritating if they feel pressured by them.
Negativity is a pressure regardless, Positivity isn’t necessarily. We can be self-contained in our Positivity. It can be so with negativity, but it is rare. When negativity is self-contained within the bubble of the individual it is of course self-destroying, and that is naturally why it gets directed outward.
V: – I’ve long felt permeable to others’ emotions. It’s a large part of why I avoid many people
My mother was a boundary violator. That’s where I learnt to have trouble drawing the line between self and other.
Syl: – To be Unrelentingly Positive is not a mood, that is a side effect. It is a Perspective. It is a view and Understanding of life. It is also, of course, a Choice. It is a philosophy that translates into a psychology. Mood and attitude are the consequential benefits.
And to me, it is an Ethical imperative. Otherwise, I am a participant in the spreading of the disease of negativity. Even being neutral allows for it to spread. But when that negativity encounters my Positivity, even if I keep it to myself, it is dissipated. It is not spread because I cannot be infected, so I do not become a carrier.
V: – Yes.
I appreciate that about you.
Not being a carrier.
Syl: – Yes, susceptibility to the emotions of others is one of the life’s major challenges. Learning to not be affected by the moods and emotions of others is a huge deal. I see this as one of the foremost issues of personal development. It is one of the most prominent problems of psychology to me.
This issue, not being affected by the emotions of others, is a huge focus for me.
V: – Good, cos it’s probably my foremost issue.
Syl: – There are many reasons for it. One is of course community and its survival Value. Being affected by the moods of others, empathy for short contributes massively to the community and thus to survival.
Yes, for me also. Haha, it is the only new year’s resolution I ever made: “To not be affected so deeply by the emotions of others.” It is a major focus for many people I know.
To carry on. It comes about due to the survival necessities of group Value and community. But, it is also a function of Awareness
And…to complicate matters, it is a function of Goodness.
“So much trouble comes to people because they do not know how to deal with their own Goodness.” – From: Insights of the New Nobility
Insight and discernment are good qualities, but they also lead to exacerbating emotional influence.
The solution is Overview Perspective. It is the root of the solution. The Self-Telling-Story of this issue.
So why do doctors, scientists, psychologists, nurses, and other professionals not breakdown in their jobs through overly emotionally empathising? Why are they able to remain largely unaffected? It is because they have set themselves to view their patients and clients from a different perspective to what they would use in personal situations. The professional perspective is one form of Overview Perspective.
But lol, we, of course, don’t want to have a professional attitude when it comes to interpersonal relationships and interactions.
But we can have an Overview Perspective that allows for the best of everything. It is essentially Understanding. Capital U Understanding.
So, if we Understand, truly Understand, the human condition, and why people do what they do, and why they are where they are, and how it all Makes Sense, then it helps inordinately when dealing with the emotions of others.
That’s the first step. ☺
When we fully have made it a constant Perspective to remember at all times that we ALL have to start from zero when it comes to Awareness. And that the path through the maze that is the Path of Developing and Enhancing Awareness, is one often determined by randomness. Then it allows us that compassionate Perspective that does not suck us into inappropriate empathy. We can see that people are where they are because that is what they need to learn and need to deal with in the Now.
And: “It Is What It Is.”
When we are looking at people and life from this perspective, how can we be stressed? It is what it is, and it has to be that way. So it’s good. Not always nice, but Good.
It is this Understanding, that at root, it is Good, that allows for the Philosophy, and then the psychology, of Unrelenting Positivity. How can I not be Positive when I know it is Good in the Overview Perspective.
Yes, of course, there are those that go down dead end paths of negativity, and in extremes sometimes, as in murder, rape torture etc. But, if we don’t have the capacity for stupidity, we also don’t have the capacity for truly free choice. And on the whole, those of us that don’t go down those negative path choices, we learn from those that do, we learn what not to do. We learn by dealing with those lost to negativity, we learn simply from dealing with the Awareness of the actions, doings and ways-of-Being.
So…this Overview Perspective, if it can be held onto, helps inordinately when it comes to dealing with emotional influence.
To be affected by the emotions of another, we have to be somewhat Attuned to them. And that emotional Attunement comes about when we ‘relate,’ when we empathise, and so on. All of these involve synchronising, to some extent, our selves with their selves. We thus become them to some extent. And that is the root of the issue. This we have to avoid.
We have to appreciate our Own Difference. And we have to remain resolute that we are where we are, and others are where they are. And that is good and well. And me being where I am is in no way a reflection of you being who you are, and where you are. It is what it is and we are where we are because of our Effort-Reward choices, because of our personal predilections and because of the Life-Path we happen to be on.
What we really and truly need to learn, is something deeply personal, and only the individual can truly know that.
We can affect things. This requires a sophisticated and complex Way-of-Being. We can influence others. But again, it is delicate. There are massive ethical implications. Both ways, in one sense it can, of course, be manipulation, in another sense it is an ethical imperative. The crux of this is Being One’s, Own Person. And of course, Being Unrelentingly Positive!!
We cannot avoid influencing others. Just as we cannot avoid perceiving and feeling others. So the effect and potential influence is a fact of life. It is thus how we deal with it that is the issue. And it is why it is an Ethical Imperative to be Positive. To include in that Positivity an Awareness of what we force on others and the ethical implications. If we influence and affect others toward Positive choices they are free to make, this is ethically supported.
We cannot do Good to others by telling them what to do. No matter how convinced we are of that Goodness. That is presumptive. We don’t know what it is precisely that they need to learn. Even if we guess correctly, we still cannot force our views. Because well, it is a force, no matter how subtly, and in pushing our ideas, no matter how valid, we rob others of the opportunity to come to them by themselves. Again, this is not ethically supported. All we can do is Share what we believe is Good. That’s it.
This ethical distance is imperative when it comes to not being affected by the emotions of others. It is the entanglement that results from that desire to DO good that connects us to others in ways that lead to us being overly affected by their emotions. We become too invested in the outcome. This mindset of being connected to what “should” be for others is what leads to us being affected by them, especially their emotions. They “shouldn’t” be angry, irritated, sad, etc. This “should” connects us to others in ways that lead to us being affected by them. Because when we believe in should, one of the “Should” beliefs is others “should” be nice because our happiness is dependent on theirs to some degree. Like, if others are upset, then we “should” be also. This thus is a key component, we need to develop Independence-of-Being.
V: – Yes!
That’s the issue.
To be continued in Chapter 3.4
By Syl Dinada
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