Finding you on a dating site/app was bittersweet. I wasn’t really trying to put myself out there. I was just casually “passing by” with my baggage of tragic stories, sad alternative songs, and low self-esteem. I wasn’t looking forward to meeting people. Half of me believed that coming across someone of the same intellect would be finding a needle in a haystack. The other half wasn’t ready for any form of a relationship as I was badly injured from the last one. This is in addition to me being weird. From my eclectic taste in men, hobbies that I do for fun and my cynical sarcasm, it would be an extremely difficult feat for someone to like me or even accept how screwed up I am as a person.
I would log in because I was lonely. I wanted to see what the world was up to as I felt like an outsider. I needed a way to escape from my own feelings as even alcohol couldn’t drown them. I know it sounds crazy but I would constantly look for posts that echoed my pain. I took solace in the idea that maybe someone was going through the same shit I was. When I started to tell you about myself, it surprised me that it didn’t scare you. I had no happy thoughts to share and my stories were grim. People would always picture a perfect day when they meet their significant other. Ours was different. I imagined a stormy night where we were both drenched in the rain. I would be leaning on your shoulders, crying softly as I tell you about how messed up I was.
I don’t know how long you’ll stay. I fear that you will also be taken from me just like all the good things that came to pass. Even if our future looks bleak, I would never want you to leave. Although there’s no cure for my instilled sadness, you make me feel hopeful that I could be happy in our universe. I’m not easy to love so when you say those 3 words, I become speechless. Not because I don’t feel the same way, but due to disbelief that even after everything you know about me, you still say that. My devotion for you can only equal what I feel about coffee and cigarettes in the morning. I need them to function and to start my day right. So thank you for reacting to my post. I wanted a reset button so I can start over and that’s exactly what you’ve given me.
Listen to Everlong by Foo Fighters when you read this.