Why We Didn’t Work Out.
I remember how we met. It was an unexpected and, at the time, totally unpleasant first encounter. I wasn’t expecting it though. You approached me and you started talking. I wasn’t listening though and I only answered when I had to cause in my mind it was like “Why are you talking to me?”. That’s why I found it so unpleasant. I’m protective of my personal space. Is that how people on this side of the country behave? But by the end of class, I opened up to you. Just a crack. Just a little bit. You were a little cute, I thought. Just a bit.
Anyway, I was fully infatuated with you in a short amount of time. Sometimes, I feel like you felt that way too but only sometimes. And now that I think about it, sometimes isn’t enough for me. I was sunk. I will admit that. To the point where I became ravenously jealous. Yes. Ravenously. In my head, I had built up the idea that you were mine and that I shouldn’t have to share. I have never felt like that about anyone except my mom and my aunt. So, know that you were in the big leagues. Big time.
I remember when you asked me out too. I was pumped to go. I was so ready. I was out the door and something told me to call my mom and ask if it would be okay. She didn’t say no but she expressed that wasn’t comfortable with it which was equivalent to a “No”. So, I lied and said I wasn’t well and that we would have a rain check. Needless to say, I never cashed that cheque. And then, a couple of weeks down the line, you asked me to be your girlfriend. Let’s analyze that for a minute. No first date. When you texted, it was like talking to a stone statue that had come to life and it was like I was doing all the talking anyway. But you want me to enter an important commitment with you just like that, just because you asked.
Now, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy. I was elated that you asked. But even I knew that the relationship that we had (whatever it was called) was DEFINITELY not deep enough to build anything upon it. That, and my mom reminded me that I had gone in for a purpose. You made me forget that purpose. That’s how intoxicating you were. So, I told you that I needed to focus on me. Which was the truth this time. I needed time to process what we were.
I never did figure out what that was.
We didn’t work out because you weren’t the one. I pray about the important people in my life no matter when you’ve been unexpectedly dropped there. And I’m telling you that God said no. I specifically asked if you were “The One” and He said, very audibly, no. And I was sad because I liked you. I asked the same God a lot for those three years “Why isn’t he though? He is fine as hell. I’ve never had someone I actually want to be with hit on me before. Whhhyyyyy?”
He answered me but I’d rather not share. Not that you’d ever read this cause when I joined Facebook you were one of the first suggestions and I hit the “X” so hard, you may have felt it. But you’re not worried about me. You have a girlfriend and maybe you’re happy, maybe you’re not. Some days though, I’m still not over what could have been. Isn’t that silly?
I wanted to be with you. I wanted success and happiness more.
Why We’re Not Working Out.
I like you. As a person. You know I have a big brain so you should know that I overthink. A LOT. When I meet a guy, however I meet a guy, I immediately know what you are. They say men have boxes in their head and women have just wires. Well, somewhere among the wiry mess, there are boxes. When I met you, you went into the “Potential” box. And I really did think you had potential. You’re shorter than me by like an inch or two but I was willing to rally past that.
We met online so there’s no story there. But you hit me up first and I responded like a day later. That’s a win because I never respond to anyone. I liked your face. I like your face. It’s a nice face. You asked me for my number but I gave you my FB because I had to analyze your personality first. To be honest, that’s why you still don’t have my number, my guy. After watching you and then talking to you, I have to tell you that the odds are not at all in your favour.
We started talking. Because although I stay looking for an attractive face, (Hey. I like what I like and I’m picky and I’m honestly at the point where I don’t care if that means that I stay single) your brain has to be along the same wave. In other words, beautiful mind for a beautiful face. One does not work without the other for me. So, when we talk, there is always a tangent that the conversations take that just aren’t attractive to me.
When I call you out on it, you say it’s a joke but that is just not funny. You told me that I need to loosen up but in order for me to fully do that, you have to be able to honour my wishes. Not tell me to accept who you are and not be who I am so much. How the hell does that work???? So, honestly, now you’re not all that. You were handsome when we started out but now, you’re cute at best. At best.
So why aren’t we working out? Because you’re out of balance. I can’t be with someone who is out of balance like that. Now, I never said I can’t be with someone who is not perfect. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Facebook is one thing, real life is another. But there are people who are perfectly imperfect and are in balance. I can’t have that in my life. I’m sorry. And, yes. With this attitude, I’ll never find anybody. That’s okay. My short encounter with you made me absolutely comfortable with that fact.
So maybe I’ll see you online or something but I’ll never message because I have nothing to say. But you’ll probably never read this either soooooooo…… *scrolls unconcerned*.
Why We Will Never Work Out (No Matter How Much You Want It To).
You, you, you. Sighs. The short answer to this is because I just don’t want you. I don’t. Remember the box thing from the last section? You’re in the friend box. But you won’t stay.
We met online too. It was a silly game and I was supposed to answer the question and just be on my way. But then you answered with something snarky and it turned into banter. I wasn’t being flirtatious at all but I think you know that. We had our conversation and whatever and I thought it was done cause honestly, I was not thinking to pursue anything with you. You weren’t in a box. Then you messaged me again the next day and it was like “Um, why? Why? Why? Why?” Don’t know if you noticed but my answers were shorter and a lot less “bubbly”. Cause why? I wasn’t mean enough to not answer and I guess that was my okaying your messaging me even though I wasn’t truly okay with it.
Anyway, that turned into an EVERYDAY thing. It was every day. Messages in the morning telling me to enjoy my day and then messages until 2 am in the morning. Honestly, if I was interested, I would have been a bit more excited but I was not. And there is nothing that I can do about that. The protagonist in a movie that I was looking at in a movie said it best “Love is an involuntary action of the mind” but my mind won’t go there for you. It just won’t.
Why did I facilitate you then? Listen to your stories, give you advice, encourage you in the Lord? Because I’m a nice person. Because you were hurting and I couldn’t just leave a hurting brother like that. So, I shared your struggles with you and I patiently endured. One thing that I love about you is your spirit and your love for God. It’s so pure and strong and it’s hard to find that in this dating pool. You’re on your way to do big things for Him and I couldn’t be prouder. I just need to say that
But I’m not into you. I’m sorry. I feel guilty that I am not. You have a beautiful inner man and as a Christian woman, that should be enough. But I’m not a celestial being. Like I said before, I am at peace with the fact that this attitude could leave me single. It could also get me really hurt. What I am not at peace with is you hoping beyond hope that I’ll come around because I’m telling you I am not. Ask around. Ask the people who know me. Ask them what that means. Unlike many of these girls out here, I am not a flounder. I don’t flop about and mince my words.
The subtle hints, the little jabs and all that – it’s too much. I’m not coming around.
What I want though is for you to go out and be happy. I want you to get past all the nonsense that you’ve been through and understand that that is a part of life and love and learning. You are not a coward because you did it and you are not stupid for being a bit naïve. I want you to keep praying for God to send you that woman that will be willing to stand by you and fulfill all those things that you talk about and I will pray right alongside you. Cause she’s out there…….but it’s not me.
You’ll probably read this.
I’m so sorry, love.