I guess I wasn’t really pure when I was born into the world.
Born from an affair, I had an inkling of idea how affairs can destroy families, lives, morals. At a really young age, I knew how sticky and complicated life can be. Once I was 5 years of age, I was introduced in the world of lust by my own father. Sick, and twisted, I know.
Of course my mom didn’t know about about things until later. By that time, it was too late to curb the habit. I loved the feelings that this lust gave me. It was adrenaline pumping. It was overwhelming. As I was older, I knew that it was wrong. Oh so Wrong.
Not the feelings of lust, that one I can say to be really perfect, but to where the feelings were headed. It was NOT supposed to be geared towards my father. Fast forward to a few years later, I finally convinced myself that it was disgusting, but that Sex itself was amazing. I just had to gear my fantasies in a new light. Or another person.
Few years later, I got married. Had a family. Kids. I thought I was okay. That I was over these lustful fantasies of infidelities. Of hoping to try it out with different men, because I knew I found unconditional love.
And a couple more years, my body betrays me.
I was this close to letting it go, and right now, I sometimes wish I had. It was perfect. But it was not supposed to be right. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings.
The most profound? To do it again with him, and let him take control of my body.
In the end though, I knew I had to stop acting on it, but who said that I can’t stop thinking of it? It is really difficult. So for now…
This will be my release.