Originally titled as “TO THE ONE WHO I THOUGHT WAS THE ONE BUT CONSTANTLY PROVES OTHERWISE”
I am always fascinated how writers turned their tears into words. Maybe they ran out of tears and that their only alternative was to write. To write about the deep and well-kept truth. Someone should start to be honest and that should start with me. So here I am writing.
This is the place, where I am currently writing, where I met you and developed something I never imagined I’d be able to contain. I met you in the most boring and lifeless manner. We were never friends. You were just one of them and we were not in the same leagues. You were busy doing your thing and I was busy doing mine.
Time passed and changes occurred. All of a sudden, we were in the same group. We were obliged to talk to each other and we got fond of doing so to the extent that we almost talked each day and every night except for Fridays and weekends.
What we had was something very unusual, at least for me. Your existence lets me discover and experience new things. You made me feel something strange and new to my system. Your words, your actions, and the way you look at me ~ you caused me to be a slave for your wants. You caused me to submit myself to you physically and emotionally. You were the first one to whom I submitted myself to.
I have no idea what was happening. All I know was that I was enjoying with what was happening. I forgot all of the complications of being with you. I stopped worrying about what others might think and say. I forgot everything. I lost control of everything. I even forgot myself. I think I just lost myself.
Being with you felt something different. There was a sensation that I got addicted to. I longed for you. I craved for you. Being addicted to you comes in letting parts of me to be owned by you. I let some principles of mine vanish for your convenience. I have let you take over. I let you.
This was not what I planned and you were not part of the plan. I never planned to feel this way. I could have experienced life in another manner. I could have met a lot of people. I could have been so much more during those times.
Anyway, I have always wanted to express my thank yous, rants, and regrets to you. So here it is:
I want to say thank you for making me feel something not normal. I want to say thank you for everything that we shared ~ the silly arguments and the loudest silent conversations. Thank you for the warm hands that made me feel safe and for your words that encouraged me that it’s okay not to know everything.
You never said the exact words of “I miss you”. Instead, you forced me to respond to your messages, to answer your calls, to send pictures, to go with you and to come with you.
I regret choosing you over anyone and anything else because you took me for granted.
I hate you for blinding me and for making me defenseless. To some extent, I think you emotionally manipulated me. Circumstances were always in your favor. You always won.
You kept me hanging. I hate you for ensuring your power over me. You got addicted to the controlling power you have over me. Maybe I was just a convenience to you. However, you know that you can do everything that you want with or without me.
I learned that this is the reality. This is the time that I should not place myself to someone who taught me how to destroy myself. I should go on building myself again. I deserve better and I deserve no double-dealing and playing.
When you look at me, I hope you see what you threw away. When you see me talking to others, I hope you hear the genuine gladness in my voice and the truth in the words that I utter. When you see me get along with others, I hope you see how I can be diverse. I hope that you will no longer harm anyone.
At the end of it all, I cannot lose myself just because I found you.
By Kharvin Ignacio Mamaril
Visit his site at Kharvin Bloggin