My 2018 – Transcendence

Confrontation is such a divine gesture. It takes one’s cup brimming with apprehension to do so. It’s normal to be taken aback by interrogations we didn’t see coming. Yet, what’s worse is that we knew long before of the answer, but we deny it to ourselves; pretending it didn’t ever cross our mind.

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I recall the first time I tried to ride a bike. I was around 7 years – lean and short-haired. I had a small red bike with worn-out training wheels. Its rubber grip has soft vertical lines to it. I always held it tightly while I aimlessly drive around every corner, puddle, and tuft of our street. My Gemini-self had always felt giddy for every forelock carelessly wafted by the wind, notwithstanding the sweat and dust on the air.

It was a mid-summer afternoon, and the heat was pleasingly bearable. Papa decided that it’s time for me to ride the bike without any aid. He removed the training wheels and we set off to practice. He started to push me, a second after did I pedal. I was feeling more happy than anxious. I kept on pushing the pedals while I maintain my pace as he continued to push me. After a few meters, everything felt so lightweight, so easy, and so… right.

Let go, Papa!” I said, but I did not hear any response.

I slowed down and stopped. I was surprised to see my dad around 5 feet away as I glanced at him over my shoulder. It was a success, I thought. I did it. My smile faded in an instant as I laid my eyes on his. He was looking at something else, and that moment was pure solitude. I wondered if he sensed my heightened confidence when I permitted him to let go. Even so, with clouded thoughts, I circled and pedaled my way back to him.

Up to this date, I still don’t know if my dad was able to hear that moment I consider special. If I didn’t bother to ask, it didn’t cross my mind.

My 2018 was unlike any other. To compare, it feels as if I’m standing on an edge of a cliff, where one foot is stitched on the ground and the other stepped on air. I faced uncertainty as often as I possibly thought, and it has pushed me off guard. I think I’ve never prayed as much as I did for comfort. Anxiety crept in every passing day as I question my self-worth. Is it a mistake to wish for something immense? So immense that I daydreamt of its familiar taste. What made things worse was knowing it to be an arm-length reach ready for my grasp, but somehow has found its way out between my fingers’ crevices.

I murmured beneath every unease sigh that Papa would do something about my lingering desire. Silly of me to think that proximity would mean urgency. Papa could at least gently pinch God’s conscience to stabilize my unsteady breath. Like an immediate action, or a magical yes after all the weeks of waiting.  Is Papa’s gaze still pierced at something else? I find myself swallowing a familiar bolus of solitude. Before long, I choked as I took my courage to confront; did God turn a deaf ear on me as well?

Confrontation is such a divine gesture. It takes one’s cup brimming with apprehension to do so. It’s normal to be taken aback by interrogations we didn’t see coming. Yet, what’s worse is that we knew long before of the answer, but we deny it to ourselves; pretending it didn’t ever cross our mind.

“I’m meant for something greater.”

Across all the pulled strings and letting go of every ticking hand of the clock, I kept on pedaling. I was back as my gnawing 7-year-old self.

Papa, I know how to bike now,” I said. I found out he just ended a conversation with my mom. His low murmuring voice almost sounded identical to a sweet hum as if he was agreeing. Maybe he saw me. Maybe he knew that I already could even before he removed my training wheels. And maybe, 2018 was not a no for me. Instead of a not-now; or not just yet. Maybe I’m meant for something else, something greater this 2019.

 

If you loved this, please read the full unedited version at here YannaPaz.com. You can also check her previous work below:

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Angela Mae Posadas
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Angela Mae Posadas

When i was a child, i used to be afraid on being left alone in the house because I thought that if my mom leaves me, she doesn’t love me anymore. Until now I still have that feeling that I dont wanna be left alone inside the house. Aside from having the feeling that a ghost might come to me, i also dont wanna be away from my mom. This article shows the true self. It is because she describes herself based and from a feeling of aunthenticity or authentic experience.

Jack Herer
Member
Jack Herer

John Rey Dungca ACT 184
When I was a child I am afraid of dolls, Until now I don’t like dolls because it gives me a feeling of they are getting me or like they are moving even if it is a non living thing and also I don’t like dolls because of some movies and I feel like they are here to kill me.
This article shows true-self she based it on her own experience her true feelings and she based it on what she saw. and what she did.

Lea Jane V. Pedarse
Member

Based on my understanding of the article, the author was scared of facing the real world alone as she is already an adult and she needs somebody to help her solve the big question mark about herself. When I was young I used to be afraid of being apart from my parents because I was too dependent. But now, I just realized that as I grow older, I have to learn to do things on my own and so, I am learning on making decisions on my own but of course I still ask for their guidance. The article depicts… Read more »

Ana Adecer
Member
Ana Adecer

The author still needs someone for her to guide her throughout her journey because she is afraid to be alone. When I was a child, I am so afraid of dogs but today, I overcome my fear by having a dog. This is a true-self article for she described her own feelings based on her own experiences. -ACT185

justlive
Member

JUSTIN JAQUIAS ACT 183

As a little kid I have fear to I fear that if I will go to bed alone some element will go and kill me, but I said to myself enough is enough this things should stop I overcome thoose things through the help of my GOD JESUS,with the name of my God nothing can hurt me.

In the story the realself was describe when she said that 2018 wasn’t prepare for her and the idealself is shown at the first part when she said how magnificent the moment when she ride a bike

justlive
Member

When I was a child I am scared going to my bed alone for I thought that some element will kill me while I am sleeping but everything change when I encounter JESUS in my life for I know that my God shall never abandon me.

The real self was shown when she accept that 2018 is not for her, and the imaginary self was shown when she describe the things regarding her past life.

Camielle Brucal
Member

“Anxiety crept in every passing day as I question my self-worth. Is it a mistake to wish for something immense? So immense that I daydreamt of its familiar taste. What made things worse was knowing it to be an arm-length reach ready for my grasp, but somehow has found its way out between my fingers’ crevices.” I think the article depicts the Ideal Self because according to our topic, it gives rise to the third self, the “despised self” which is what we feel ourselves to be when we faul to live up to the unrealistic demands we make for… Read more »

Kissel Kate Chila D. Prado
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Kissel Kate Chila D. Prado

In my own opinion, the author was scared of the idea that she had to face life all by herself in the near future. When I was a child, I used to have a fear of dogs since I experienced being chased by them. However, I tried to overcome it by exposing myself to dogs. Little by little, I was able to overcome it and now, we are raising a dog at home. The author, for me, is expressing her real self since she based her story from her own experiences and how she felt during those moments. It is… Read more »

Celina O. De Jesus
Member

For me, the author was scared of facing the world alone all by herself without the guidance of her parents. In relation to myself, I was afraid of being left behind by my mom. She always left me to my relatives because she needed to work for our daily living as a single mother. But what feared me the most was her leaving without coming back home again. I can say from the author’s experienced that she is showing her true self by being real and true to her feeling while expressing her thoughts and emotion.

alcyra santos
Member

Ma. Alcyra Aira M. Santos ACT 184 Somehow, I understand what the writer feels when she was writing the article. I think what the writer is trying to imply is that she is scared of being alone. She is scared of going out to her own comfort zone. The moment she realize that she can ride the bicycle on her own, she felt so proud of herself. But, as a normal individual, there will always come a time when we will doubt and question ourselves. Just like the writer, I also have fears when I was a child. I am… Read more »

Greianne Naron
Member

The author is scared of being alone. When the time she realized that her papa is no longer with her, her anxiety arise. The article depicts true self because she shows her own feelings based on her experience.
When I was I child, I was scared in the dark because I thought there’s something or someone who’s with me. I overcome this through the help of my parents and prayers.
Grei-Anne Naron
ACT-184

Patricia Gwen Ramos
Member

Patricia Gwen Louise P. Ramos – ACT184 As I read the short story, I noticed that the author was afraid of letting go and living life by herself or like facing the world as her own without her parents, more specifically her dad, to be there to guide her. She seems to be doubting herself if she will be capable of being out there independently. And that’s not unusual. It’s very normal to have fears. I, myself, used to be afraid of everyone’s disapproval. Even as a child, I hated it when people get disappointed in me or gets upset… Read more »

Carmella Jane O. Caligan
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Carmella Jane O. Caligan

I think the girl was afraid of losing her father’s grip as she will grow older each month. I think its portraiting a real self because of being real that she was scared to admit. When I was a child having a broken family at an early age thought me of being strong but I admit that there were one thing I am scared off and that is being left by someone I cared the most my grandmother but when I grow old I learned to accept the bitter truth that everyone has always a God’s perfect time and soon… Read more »

Kiana Rara
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Kiana Rara

The author was still not ready to face the reality and she’s seeking for guidance. Also, she’s afraid of being all alone and it shows her Ideal self.
When I was a kid, I’m afraid of presenting in front of other people because I was afraid that I might fail or people will judge me. But as time flies, I learned to neglect what others may think of me and to do what I love to do.

Jenny Sylvia Eustaquio
Member
Jenny Sylvia Eustaquio

Being a child means being dependent to our parents. But as we grow up we face responsibilities that needs to be faced independently. I believe that the author is afraid of facing the real world without the guide of her parents especially her dad.
With this article the thought of facing the future without my parents scares me. I feel like I am not ready for the responsibilities but I need to face it. Because time will come I will not have a choice but to continue life despite the challenges I experienced.

ACT183

Eljoy Bacay
Member

Based on my understanding of the article, the author is afraid to be alone. When I was a kid I also have a fear on being left alone in the house but since I was growing up now, I overcome my fear by being independent now in a way that I can go now to my school with my self . This is a true-self article based on her own experiences.
ACT185

Mary Ann Luces
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Mary Ann Luces

When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of meeting new people, even our other relatives, I just want to stay beside my mom, and now I realized that we should face everything. The article depicts her real self as she describe the events in her life.

elianar dela Pena
Member

Elianar dela Pena
Act 182

When I was young I’m afraid everytime my mom left me in the house, when I am alone in the bed. And also I’m afraid everytime I didn’t tell to my parents where will I go or when I play outside. This article is true self because she shares her experience.

Anne Klein Serrano
Member
Anne Klein Serrano

Anne Klein Serrano
ACT-182

I think the author was afraid of being alone and step the real world.
When I was young I was scared when Im just alone, I feel like there was someone presence and I’m also scared when waking up if I don’t have anyone around me or if I don’t see anyone in bed that I’m crying even sometimes until then I don’t overcome but slowly I overcome it by waking up early to see if someone is with me.
I think the article is real self because she still can’t accept 2018 and she stated herself.

Dianna Faye
Member
Dianna Faye

Dianna Faye L. Cabungcal ACT-182 The author used her real experience when she was still a child to compare her 2018 experiences. When she was still a child she is afraid to ride a bike because she doesn’t know how. On her 2018 experiences, there is also uncertainty. I guess the author is afraid to face things alone because she is used to have someone to accompany her. When I was young, I can clearly remember how scared I was to be left alone with my classmates in our classroom. It is kinda embarrassing but when I was Kindergarten, I… Read more »

Erica Lola
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Erica Lola

As I read the article, I noticed that the author is afraid of facing situations alone like riding a bike for the first time without her Dad. The world is so cruel to give experiences that doesn’t need to test ourselves. It is always been a battle between ourselves and our fear. Knowing our true identity. When I was a kid I’m afraid to try something new because I’m afraid to commit mistakes and be punished for that. But as I grow older I learned now that failure is first attempt in life, that’s why I became adventurous; always facing… Read more »

Dana Caluza
Member
Dana Caluza

I think the author was showing her real self because she was telling her own experience.
When I was a kid, I always cried when my parents left me at school. Maybe because I was used to have them by my side that I became dependent on them. But now that I’m in college, I became more mature and independent. I believe it takes time before someone become fully independent. It takes time but it surely will come at the right time.

ACT 183

Kim Carlo de Villa
Member
Kim Carlo de Villa

Act183
For me, the author is afraid on doing things alone. She needs some guidance in every actions that she will commit. Just like me, when i was a child, i am afraid on doing things without the help of my father. I wanted that every time that i will go outside, my father is always beside me. The author shows her real self because it is based on her true feelings and experience.

Katrina Perez
Member

The one thing that the author was scared of than riding the bicycle was the idea of living her life independently without the guidance of her parents. Growing up, I was told by my parents that I should love and cherish everyone in our family. They’re always telling me how important it is to have a complete family. That’s why in a young age, one of my biggest fear is to lose one of my loved ones. Because for me, family is life. I can’t imagine a life without them. I wouldn’t be able to survive this life if it’s… Read more »

Trisha Ellao
Member

Ms. Yanna was scared to independently face the reality of the world without the guidance of her parents whom she used to be with. When I was young, I was afraid in darkness believing that there were ghosts or bad spirits that would haunt me. My mom tried to help me to overcome this fear when we started and used to sleep at night with lights off. Also, I did not exposed myself in watching horror movies. This article depicts real self because the author revealed what she genuinely felt and she based this article by her own experience not… Read more »

Jesica Diana Dagsaan
Member
Jesica Diana Dagsaan

ACT 183 The author was afraid of doing things alone. She was dependant on her parent, thus, she needed the guidance of her parents before acting alone. When I was a kid, I always wanted my mother to be with me. I was afraid of losing something because I did something wrong. I was afraid that I might get lost in the way. I can’t act out without the help and confirmation of my parents because I value them and I am afraid that they might leave me for instance if I’m naughty. This article shows the real self because… Read more »

Romalyn Ibay
Member
Romalyn Ibay

Yanna is afraid to stand in her own when she was a child. He depends on others for her to learn something new. When I was a child I am afraid to stand and speak in front of the crowd. Until ome day may teacher joined me in a contest thay have to speak in front of the crowd. I faced my fear and challenged my self and I successfuly won the 2nd place. I realized that the things that I thought I can’t do it is the things that made me strong and fearless. The story depicts the real… Read more »

Joshua Bautista
Member

Being alone is really scary. Maybe the author is scared about her future without her father. When I was a child I was scared too. Maybe it was kind of petty but my fear of swimming really drove some of my playmates away. I remember when my family was in a outing in a nearby resort. My cousin asked me to ride his back while he tries to swim in the deepest part of the pool. I was scared but I tried to hold back that fear. Unfortunately, I almost drowned when we reached the middle part of the pool… Read more »

Felisse Morabe
Member

Other than riding A bicycle, I think the persona is also afraid of moving forward without the aid of anyone. For her it was like taking a leap of faith and it causes her anxiety. But just like riding a bike she has to make it through by feeling happiness or excitement over her fear. When I was younger I was afraid of not being home for a long time (whenever we are on vacation). If I am gonna be somewhere else not home, I would really have a hard time falling asleep because there are a lot of bad… Read more »

Keannah Solitario
Member
Keannah Solitario

ACT 185
Aside from being afraid to ride a bicycle, the author was also afraid to face her journey being an adult alone. She is afraid of discovering more about her true self. She finds someone who could help her understand the meaning of life.
When I was a child, I am extremely afraid of darkness. I cry when I am being left alone but now that I’ve grown up I am more independent. The article shows true self because the author describes her real experiences in life.

Krystel Gabriel
Member

Krystel Gabriel, ACT 181. Just like the kid in the article, i was also afraid of growing up alone, make decisions independently, commit mistakes and such. But then, as I grew up I realized that it is a need for us to learn how to be independent, be not afraid to commit mistakes as it will teach us a lesson. This article shows a true self since it speaks about authenticity and real experience.

ChupolsTV
Member

ACT 186 JENTZEN YAP / She shares her experience of her fears that she wanted to overcome it and working on it to be a better person When I was young I was afraid of many things in this world and I won’t be shy or I won’t hesitate to ask for help if I’m scared because I expreienced it when I was young that I am afraid of imagining demons and ghosts or even in real life like creepy stuff toys and etc. So I asked for help to God and I’m comfortable as I grow up that no… Read more »

Yumi Nakaniwa
Member
Yumi Nakaniwa

Based on the article that I’ve read the author is afraid of facing the real world behind her and she wants a person to support her all the time. Back when I was a child I was afraid on being left alone I always want somebody to be there for me all the time and I don’t want to be left out because I always thought that they will never cameback again, I overcome that fear by gently accepting that there are no permanent here in the world and I need to be independent for my own sake. Yumi Nakaniwa… Read more »

Princess Juan
Member

ACT184 We all have our own fears but it is for us to overcome it. I believe that the author is scared of being alone because it would feel like there’s no one to take a look for her. she is afraid to lose sight of anyone just to make sure that she will be okay. I also do have my own fears. I’m really scared of puppies and kittens, funny right? I’m also scared of getting inside a hospital, may because i feel really uncomfortable. To be honest, puppies and kittens are cute and not known to be someone’s… Read more »

Yumi Nakaniwa
Member
Yumi Nakaniwa

Based on the article that I’ve read the author is afraid of facing the real world behind her and she wants a person to support her all the time. Back when I was a child I was afraid on being left alone I always want somebody to be there for me all the time and I don’t want to be left out because I always thought that they will never cameback again, I overcome that fear by gently accepting that there are no permanent here in the world and I need to be independent for my own sake. This article… Read more »

Maria Kiela Vince E. Nocito
Member
Maria Kiela Vince E. Nocito

I think that the author was scared of losing his father besides of riding her bike and she was also scared of being alone even though she is old enough to stand by herself . When I was a child I was scared of thinking that the world has come to an end. There were news that time that the world will end and I think that was last 2012. I was keep on dreaming about the planets that was revolving around our house and I kept on thinking of a way on how to survive. I overcome this fear… Read more »

Princess Leah Banoy
Member
Princess Leah Banoy

Princess Leah Banoy ACT 184 In life, there are really times when we are looking for confirmation of something. We are wanting to hear the words we want to hear. We are asking questions even though we already knew the answers, just for assurance, just for a verification, maybe to relieve ourselves and at some point boost our confidence and feel admired. We all love compliments from the success we had, and sharing this to other people, especially those we love is one thing we feel like we must do. But when we do so, what we are expecting them… Read more »

Yumi Nakaniwa
Member
Yumi Nakaniwa

Based on the article that I’ve read the author is afraid of facing the real world behind her and she wants a person to support her all the time. Back when I was a child I was afraid on being left alone I always want somebody to be there for me all the time and I don’t want to be left out because I always thought that they will never cameback again, I overcome that fear by gently accepting that there are no permanent here in the world and I need to be independent for my own sake. This article… Read more »

Keycie Ann Arevalo
Member

AREVALO, KEYCIE ANN S.
ACT- 182

I think the author is scared/afraid to be alone. She needs a companion throughout her journey. When I was a child, I am so afraid to clowns. Whenever I saw their face, I automatical cried a lot and hide on my mother’s back. Somehow, I overcome this fear now by thinking that they are just like us. A normal people who has a make up in face. This is a true self article because she described her own experiences based on her feelings.

John Kenneth Puente
Member
John Kenneth Puente

John Kenneth Puente ACT184 In my own opinion, the author is scared for facing the challenges in the near future without any help especially with her father. When I was young, I’m afraid for being alone in our house because I think that no one loves me or they don’t care about me. But now, those thing is just symbolize that I need to face my problems by myself without help of someone. And I overcome it by thinking that I’m not alone because I believe that someone is watching me and guide me and that is our god. The… Read more »

Keycie Ann Arevalo
Member

AREVALO, KEYCIE ANN S.
ACT- 182

I think the author is scared/afraid to be alone. She needs a companion throughout her journey. When I was a child, I am so afraid to clowns. Whenever I saw their face, I automatical cried a lot and hide on my mother’s back. Somehow, I overcome this fear now by thinking that they are just like us. A normal people who has a make up in face. This is a true self article because she described her own experiences based on her feelings.

shaina elnar
Member

Her anxiety arises after she realized that she is no longer guided by someone. Base on my analization and understanding, the author is still afraid of living her life alone. She is afraid of doing things by herself because she thinks that she still needs someone to guide her to her journey. When I has a child I am afraid of the dark. I don’t let my parents turn off the lights at night because my mind will start to imagine silly things like monsters, ghosts, and other creatures. Growing up I realized that dark is something we can overcome.… Read more »

Yrica Camelon
Member

ACT 186 – When I was young, I am afraid of rats. Any kind of rat alike animals. Whether it is a rabbit, hamster or what. I don’t know why I am afraid of them. Whenever I see those kind of animals, I really don’t know what to do. Sometimes, my hands are shaking. I get nervous until I cry. Up until now, I am still afraid of them.
This article shows a real self. Because the way she tell her experience through this article, she also tells what she really feels.

Justin James Siazon
Member
Justin James Siazon

In my opinion, the Author was scared to be alone, she needs somebody (like her Dad) to be always with, to guide her, to always have validations in her doings. When I was a Child I’m scared to my Lolo because when we visit to His house, He’s always anger to His Sons(My Dad and my Uncle) that I don’t know why, and me, I’m scared too because i don’t like that kind of personality. But when I’m growing, i understood that when you’re old, there comes a time that you will experience that too. Understood that they need love… Read more »

Danna Ganibo
Member

The author still needs someone to be with her. When I was a child I am afraid with blood, but when I grow I little by little I overcome my fears. This is a real self because it is her own feelings and experiences.

Act 186

Danna Ganibo
Member

The author still needs someone to be with her. When I was a child I am afraid with blood, but when I grow I little by little I overcome my fears. This is a real self because it is her own feelings and experiences.

Act 186.

ashley nhicollete dela rosa
Member

Dela Rosa, Ashley Nhicollete G. ACT184 When I was a kid, I am afraid of being alone just like the author. I think she is afraid of doing something that will judge her by doing in her own. And that’s exactly me. I’m afraid to do something by myself thinking that other people will judge me. But the times goes by, I realized that doing on your own is the best thing. Why? because other people seem to be proud of you that you can do it alone. By self realization you will think deeply about your experiences, so that… Read more »

Jose Bermudez
Member
Jose Bermudez

JOSE BERMUDEZ ACT182
The author need someone along her journey. She needed someone to guide her. When i was a kid i always wait for my mom to pick me up from school, so i always wait for hours. Because i’m to afraid of going home by myself. Even if it takes up to 6pm to wait for her, just to pick me up

REAL SELF, because she stated the story from her real experience and exactly what was the conflict on that time.

Claire Cadorna
Member

The author was still in fear and she’s not still ready to become independent on her own. She was scared and it shows her ideal self. Sometimes, we used to be independent to other people, but as the time goes by, it is important that we should learn to do things independently.

Kiara Nicole Llanes
Member

Kiara Nicole Llanes – ACT184 According to the article, Yanna was afraid of being alone aside for bikes. Just like my own experience back then when I was a child, I used to be so afraid of the drums’ sounds (drums whose too loud like use for fiestas). Whenever I heard the drums from a far, I would nearly felt butterfly in my stomach as in literally my stomach were turning into something cannot be explain and my young self would cry in heavy tears, cover my ears and go to a place where I cant hear any sounds coming… Read more »