Damn That Mother Chucker – A Gossip Girl Review

First things first, thank God Jenny Humphrey finally left the show at some point. Yes, it was inevitable, but she was the most problematic hoe I’ve ever had to put up with. And to be frank, I didn’t see why the viewers needed another girl who wanted to be apart of the “it crowd” when we had Serena and Blair whom already were the “it crowd”. The most unnecessary characters are the ones who are overly dramatic and trying too hard. ‘Gossip Girl’ is a show about everything the viewers don’t have: good looks, lots of money, penthouses, top shelf drugs and as it unfolded true-true love. The reason we came back to watching a new episode each time the one before ended was because Gossip Girl made us feel a little more sane for living the fantasies in our heads. So, Adding in the degenerates of the Humphrey family, which I’m sure was supplemental for viewer connection; made me fucking squirm. I don’t want to be reminded of the underdog strictly for the connection, that’s not what gets me wet and my immoral self-loathe for the poor kids, constantly makes me realize how much I do not crave the vital reality. Sure opposites attract, but not when you’re as thoroughly unattractive as Dan and have Jenny’s unfathomable taste in “fashion”. And we thank Jenny for her considerate contribution to the idea that “Without ugly in this world there would be nothing beautiful!” and how generous she is to be the unflattering sacrifice. In the real world, no one would’ve itched to be friends with the Humphrey’s because their hearts thrived on their own nagging and self-pity and I’m not sure what it is, but Vanessa really reminds me of hemorrhoid.
Although the Humphrey’s and their irrelevant sidekick have made an appearance, why don’t we carry on by being just as honest and scandalous as the original “woman” who hid behind the keys. What even was the point of Serena and Nate and that one short gay kid who’s name obviously doesn’t matter. My drive was unsurprisingly, and solely based upon Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.. and admittedly Dorota. Who, when appearing in an episode made it all worthwhile and surely she brings back the sharp taste of vodka to my tongue. Savoring the idea of drinks for the two of us and listening to polish rap that sounds like fascists commands… And probably is.
But here’s the bottom line. I may “prefer” the company of women, but each time Chuck’s face hits the screen, my stomach flutters and I want nothing more than his chiseled manhood thrust against me, all the while making the walls thud. Although I will admit, 99% or the time Chuck really pisses me off, but so does Blair. And I can admit my love for the characters was real because A: they were both sexy as hell and B: the 1% of the time that they weren’t pissing me off, they were really making my cold and emotionless heart beat to the indulgence of their love. Chuck sure proved to the viewers that money can in-fact buy love. Honestly, I don’t care if a man has three heads, if he has a number of numbers Chuck does in his account, he could buy me all over the world with my stamped passport and Louboutins. I’m not ashamed to admit I can be bought and everyone who wants to be rich and live the lives the show possesses would find they felt the same defeat.
I will admit however, this show was a complete roller coaster and took me roughly 2 weeks to finish because I couldn’t possibly leave off on an episode of Chuck ending it, once again, with Blair. I’d have walked away and accepted defeat if that had been the case. Chuck certainly is a prick and the one true moment I actually saw the kid grow balls was when he “pushed” his dad off the roof. (I know he didn’t actually push him, but it makes him sound like less of a pansy). And then he is finally racing off to the altar with Blair and we all cried like little shits because we loved them so much and the “3 words” had finally started a new beginning. And it had been the one we were rooting for all along.
It really did, however, aggressively relish my appetite when the show came to a close with that hot blonde Ryan Reynolds married and the remorseless poor kid who we all knew was gossip girl. And if you didn’t, you’re dumb as hell. He was a writer, he was THE writer. It was the only part of his distasteful role that made any sense.
Aside from that huge waste of time and the obvious factor that I would’ve watched a show based senselessly on the desirable couple that made me believe that love certainly can’t escape your heart when it’s real. This show invites the audience in to discover the idea of the two delusional characters whom are young and awakening their hearts to the idea that even when you have everything; you still do not have it all without the one that you love.
Sure, Blair may have been the standard definition of “ice queen” (aside from Queen Elsa) and she may have been one of the most standoffish, royal flushes a series has produced, but her character development proves that a person should accept their love and not hide from it. Even when you are aware that you are in love, nevertheless you are precisely doomed. And we may not be certain that karma is a bitch, but we do know Blair Waldorf is. And being a bitch sure provides the happy ending of getting what you want and also what you do not.

“They say it’s a broken heart,
but I hurt in my whole body”
Blair Waldorf


By Brittany V. Dresevic
Pure Poison

Catch BVD on her previous work here with Purgatory




it's no fun writing pretty.

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