Grandma is an essay written and shared by Vanessa Enfectana and shared with The Ugly Writers under the theme Treasures That We Keep for the month of May.

Grandma

I wish I could have another day with my grandma. I wish I could feel and talk to her again. I wish I could tell her all the stories in my life that she missed, the realizations I had, and how much she matters to me. I wish she could hear me ask for her forgiveness, for the things I wasn’t able to do, and for the person I was back then. I wish I could ask for another chance to hug her and if I do, I will never let her go again. I miss her so much. I miss how she would prepare food for me every morning. To chat with me with whatever she sees, heard or imagined. I miss how she would randomly hug me and say that things will be alright; that she will be there to listen when I am ready to share. I miss her and I wish she knew how much I love her. I miss how honest she is by saying that I gained weight but I also miss how she spoils me with foods. I miss how she would wait for me at the table so we could eat together. How she will peak with my reports and cheer me up before I go to school. I miss how she would say “I believe in you” when everyone else belittles and took their back on me. I miss how much happy she is every time I bring her pasalubong. Of how grateful she is every time I do simple things like chores. Of how many times she will tell me that she’s proud of me. Of how she will tell me that life may be tough and I should be brave but always carry my heart with me. I miss her life lessons. I badly miss her.

I regret every single day I made her cry. I regret being a stubborn kid. But most of all, I regret not spending her last hours with her. You know, the idea of losing her hurts a lot. But that very moment that I lost her, I lost a huge part of my life. A portion of me died with her.

It’s a year now since she left us. But I still cry every time she crosses my mind. It still hurts. You know, what makes it very painful is not the idea that she will never come back. What hurts is those little times that she was here but we weren’t able to cherish it with her. What makes it heavier is those happy moments you wish to replay. And these happy and sad times that I wish she was here. It hurts alot and it’s a kind of pain that you can never deny. It will make you cry and crumble. And there’s no such good word that can cover up the pain. And even acceptance didn’t fully cover the scar it left our hearts when she passed away. It hurts a lot.

I still wish and will always do… Wish that I could have another chance to see her. Maybe someday or maybe when the Lord takes me…

I cant wait to see her smile again. But I will be patient, Grandma… until we see each other again.

Give some love to Vanessa Enfectana by reading her previous entries at The Ugly Writers: