Waiting is an essay written by Vanessa Enfectana and shared with The Ugly Writers under the theme The Games We Play for the month of April.
Waiting is a sign that you are expecting something to happen. Probably a dream to come true or a person to return to your life. It could be feelings that you wanted to feel again. But there are certain types of waiting…assured and doubtful. Assured is when you knew that this person will come back. Or there is a promise that you’re holding to. And doubtful is when you aren’t sure whether you are waiting for something or just wasting time. And to be honest, I am currently waiting for a person to come back in my life. I am waiting for you to come back. Yet you gave me no promises of your return. And I am unsure whether you’re planning to or not. But I am still waiting for it. Waiting for that day.
Time has passed and a lot has changed. You grew and I am still the same. The seasons changed but my feelings towards you stayed strong. However, upon my waiting season questions started to Foster in my head. Are you coming back? Are you thinking of me? Do you love me? Would you still love me after all this time? Am I still waiting for you to come back or am I just waiting for a sign that you have moved on? I am stuck in between waiting and surrendering cause the truth is… I am in a loop of loving and hurting.
My love, would you still remember the heart that once took care of you? Or you’ve been blinded by the beauty of this world?
You know it’s crazy to think that I am allowing myself to get hurt while I have the chance to live. Cause I am waiting for a simple confirmation that there is no chance between us and that my part on your story is over. It hurts and a huge part of me wants to go on and start a life. But this heart chained me on the same place where you left me. And so I am spending all these days, thinking and worrying. My love, I knew you needed time to fly. I knew you needed your space and everything for your growth. And that part hurts. Cause I am not part of the reason you’re growing. I am not part of your process and technically, you don’t need me in order to go on. And so that idea gave me enough reason why its taking you a while to come back. Cause maybe you also realized that after you get out of your cocoon… You no longer need to return to my hand. Cause there is a huge world waiting for you and there can be something or someone better than I am.
I am one step away from standing and releasing myself from this chain. Yet I am waiting… waiting for a sign… that you are okay and finally happy. And I will openly accept the pain. And from that, I will plant another seed of love. Maybe for someone else. Just gave me a sign that this wait should be over. Or at least a hint that you’re on your way back. Cause I… I needed it.
Please support Vanessa Enfectana by reading her previous entries at The Ugly Writers: