Maybe is an essay written by Vanessa Enfectana and shared with The Ugly Writers with the theme Recovery for the month of March.

Maybe

They say there are two kinds of love. The wrong one at the right time. The right one at the wrong time.

I wonder what are we. Are we the wrong one who keeps pushing things that aren’t meant to be? Or are we the right one who struggles to see? It’s hard and unfair but what can we do? I’ve risked everything I can and everything I got. I’ve risked my time, my effort, my heart, my mind, and my soul but its just so hard to keep up with you. And I don’t know whether we are just wrong or we are just on the wrong timeline. Maybe, if I wait a little more, maybe it will work out. But maybe it won’t. Maybe we’re just wasting energies. Maybe we are just meant to pass each other’s life. I’m so confused because even the stars fail to provide me some direction of whether to stay or go.

You know I stayed even if things are way too hard already. I stayed even if our situation chokes me to death. Because I love you. But maybe I love you isn’t enough. Maybe they’re right that one-sided love doesn’t work out in the end. And maybe I should just stop asking you to love me and allow myself to see the world. Explore again. Step again and meet people again. By then maybe, I’ll find the one. And by then maybe the stars will collide and everything will be right. We both deserve to live. We both deserve a life. And we both deserve to be happy. I gave you thousands of chances already, isn’t it fair if I give myself another chance too?

Maybe it’s time for us to accept that the world isn’t just about you and me. But it’s about those 7 billion people who’s been struggling in life and been looking for their right ones. Maybe one of them belongs to us. Maybe they could be a better fit than we are to each other. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time that I let you go and let you see another world… without me.

We are life-wanderers. A lifetime adventurer who seeks for life purpose. We are meant to walk, run, jump, climb… we are meant to fly. We cannot limit ourselves with what we have. We cannot limit ourselves with what we knew and what felt comfortable. We are meant to face our fears. To climb or break those walls. We are meant to be free. To live life to the best that we can. And to do that, we need to give up our chains.

I’ve always thought that we would end up together and not end-up forever. But who knew. Maybe we will be the one for each other in the future or if not, maybe in another lifetime. Maybe the universe will allow us to meet again in my second, third or fourth life. Or maybe if we get a little older, things will be better. Who knew, maybe, we will bump into each other in some random streets in Japan. Maybe we will ask each other for a cup of coffee and talk about how life has been. Maybe you can be a long-distance friend. Or maybe I will spend a little more of my life gazing in the stars wondering if you already moved on. Maybe if we no longer talk, I will talk to the moon and visualize it to be you. So in that way, I could still always talk to you at night and tell you how my day went. Maybe… Maybe I will find a man who I dreamed of or probably a man who will do everything to be the man I deserve. And maybe… You will find the woman you wanted to have. A woman you deserved.

Maybe…

But honestly, I am not yet ready to tell you this. I am not yet ready to lose you and start another step. I am not ready for goodbye and I am not ready yet to cry. I am not ready but maybe… I should just give it a try.

If ever we decided to unfold another journey without each other, I hope you’ll find someone who you don’t need to force yourself to love. I hope you’ll find a person who can genuinely and magically make you feel it without any struggle. Conflicts will be there but I hope she could give you strength.

I love you… But maybe… this is the right thing to do.

Give some love to Vanessa Enfectana by reading her previous entries at The Ugly Writers: